Position:Home>Poetry> What Do You Think Of This Poem? Be Honest Pleas!?
Question: What Do You Think Of This Poem!? Be Honest Pleas!!?
Sitting Here, Thinking Of You!.
Your Eyes, Green And Gray,
Like An April Day!.
Your Hair, Golden As Tints Of Sunrise,
Dropped On Your Cheeks Like A Sea-Weed Clam-
Your Lips, Like Twilight Water,
Lovely Song That Ripples As It Flows,
And The Smile She Uses,
Fills Up The Silence Like A Speech,
Your Cheeks,
Soft As July Peaches!.
An Ardent Face,
Out-looking Like A Star!.
A Mystery, Soft, Soothing And Gentle, Like The Whipser Of A Child Murmuring Its Happiness In Its Sleep!.
A Voice Whose Sound Was Like The Sea!.
Speaking Words As Soft As Rain,
Your Laugh,
Like A Rainbow-Tinted Spray!.
Supple And Sweet,
As A Rose In Bloom!.
Sitting Here, Thinking Of You,
Love Smiled Like An Unclouded Sun,
I Love You!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You ASKED, okay, so don't get mad!. You use too many words!. You don't have to say "like" when you compare her!. I think it's awesome!. You must love her!. Sorry I hacked up your poem!.
Sitting Here, Thinking Of You!.
Your Eyes, Green And Gray,
Like An April Day!. >>this is the only one that rhymes, can u change to gray and green!?
Your Hair, Golden As Tints Of Sunrise,
Dropped On Your Cheeks Like A Sea-Weed Clam- >>seaweed clam!? how about honey seaweed!? anything besides seaweed clam
Your Lips, Like Twilight Water, >>makes me think of a goth with dark lips!. maybe "smooth as twilight water"
Lovely Song That Ripples As It Flows, >>This is beautiful
And The Smile She Uses, >>she who!? you've been using "you" the whole time!.!.!.
Fills Up The Silence as if Speech,
Your Cheeks,
Soft As July Peaches!.
An Ardent Face,
Out-looking Like A Star!.>>umm, it's okay
A Mystery; Soft, Soothing >>it was too wordy
Gentle, The Whisper Of A Child Murmuring Happiness In Sleep
A Voice the sound of the Sea
Speaking Words soft As Rain
Your Laugh,
A Rainbow-Tinted Spray!.
Supple And Sweet, >>>what is supple and sweet!?
As A Rose In Bloom!.
Sitting Here, Thinking Of You,
Love Smiled Like An Unclouded Sun,
I Love You!.
EDIT: be happy to read any of your stuff anytime! It really is beautiful!. I added you to my contacts as you can't get email!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Coppertop had good suggestions, and in respect for Coppertop I'll only offer a few more!.
We already know you are "sitting here, thinking of you" because you are writing!. it!. also, don't "initial cap" your words!.
Instead of saying "your lips like twilight water" you could say "twilight water lips" which is much more interesting!. Same way you could say "July peach cheeks" or "rainbow laugh"!.
86 the extra words and show us the images you have in a visual painting instead of "it's 'like' this"!.
You have shown that you can relate everyday things to the gorgeous things that you can find in another person!. Paint us a picture instead of saying "it's like!.!.!." Just tell us "it IS"!. We will see your vision more clearly!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very good!. It's pure, packed with descriptive words!. LOVED IT!. i do hope you keep writing and become a poet!. =D
goodluck!.
if anyone says it's bad then they are nuts!. this is an AWESOME poem!.
xox jen xoxWww@QuestionHome@Com
very nice!.!.!.^___^Www@QuestionHome@Com