Position:Home>Poetry> What do you think about this people?. I need your opinion?

The story goes THIS way
I was walking ONE day
Heading for the place
IN WHICH I used to stay

I heard a sniffing sound
but noONE WAS around
NO - NOBODY but me
AND A girl UPon the ground

I Couldn't see her face
she wasn't at a distant place (!?!?!?)
I GAZED UPON her back
that benT WITH ALL ITS GRACE

i thought my ear was wrong (!?!?!?)
she was steadily calm
but BEFORE VERY LONG
I OBSERVED a shivering arm

SADLY, she was crying
although she was trying
TO BE OBSCURED FROM VIEW

she looked left and right (difficult if you're lying down!)
as searching for eyesight (you can't look for eyesight - you have it)
assuring it was alright (assuring WHAT was all right!?)
she leaned down again (you can't lean down - only backwards, forwards or sideways)

then turned back at once
meeting my glance
and gave me a look
that means I'm not a scene (that doesn't make sense - sorry!.!.!.!.)

without even a word
she turned back again
and i wondered
about that wound Is that a metophorical wound!?!?!?
that leaves so much pain

what should I do!?
am I supposed to go!?
in what way!?
and what to say!?
just the hey
how are you!?
ISN'T it obvious
she is suffering
Who in THE world
COULD POSSIBLY know!?

I was TORN BETWEEN
STAYING, OR LEAVING THE SCENE
But I forced myself (to do what!?
And started sneaking (where!?)

I reached there (where!?)
Looked at her
She noticed me
While fingering her hair

I waved to her then said hey
I imagined her response
Will be go away (this line doesn't make sense)
But she paused for a second
And said hey

It ISN'T worth a tear
I said to her
But just more cry
Was her REPLY

Then SHE looked at me
and said WITH AGONY:
I failed again
And feel alone
I have no one to stand by my own (this line doesn't make sense)
I feel like a leaf
Falling down
And just before it touches the ground
The air strengthened and startED to blow
And the little poor leaF now
Must HAVE blown

Then looked down again (how - were you in the air!?)

so i said at once:
Stand straight as a king ON A throne (if you're on a throne you're sitting, not standing)
And never ever wait until the air passES on
Little leaves you know are always blown
But you must be as solid as a rock or stone
Only now you can defeat it
And all ON your own

It's far too long, and very muddled - I'm totally confused by the whole thing!. I've corrected the grammar, but when writing poetry you need to think about what you write before you write it rather than just write anything you fancy!. A good way is to get someone to read it to you so that you know how it sounds!.

A valuable lesson to learn when writing (I'm a published poet) is don't try to write beyond your capabilities!. Write a simple poem!. To write one as long as yours and keep the flow and sense of the poem would take a real talent!. Less is more!.!.!.!.

I'm not going to give you false hopes, and you did ask for honesty!. You really need to learn correct grammar before trying to write poetry, otherwise the poems do not make sense!.
______________________________________!.!.!.





13 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer!.
Answer Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

oooh i like that last line "i feel like a leaf fallin down"
i really liked it lol cuz i feel that way sometimes!.!.!.!.like there's no one to grab me and i just keep on fallin and fallin

who will catch me idk but the only person i rely on to catch me is God but nobody else

keep writing sounds good:)

NOW ANSWER MINE lolz
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

It's a very good poem though I suspect some of the words at the end of your lines are mostly there for rhyming!. I could be wrong, but that's just my perspective!. I like the rhythm in the poem and how it sounds fluid when spoken aloud!. Great job and continue the good work! Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---