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Poem!.!.!.please critique Thanks!!?
Hey Mr Sandman I wanna sleep tonight,
Cause all this depression is getting me down,
So swing by my house and give me a sniff,
Of the magic dust to put me to sleep!.
Hey Mother, I hope you know what I've seen
I'm almost 20 but God I feel older then you,
As your gray hair glistens, my gray eyes darken,
Unknown oh how I wish I was unknown!.
Hey brother, you've been dead for almost two years,
There must be nothing left in that grave of yours,
I wish that I could have swallowed you whole,
But I' not into all that cannibal sh*t
Hey Father, do you remember what I look like,
Ye I don't look the best right now I'm not gunna lie,
But tonight when I sing I hope you know it's for you,
It goes around and around like a merry go round!.
Hey Daniel, Now I'm talking to myself,
I'm like a machine which needs to be oiled up!.
I'm feeling a bit unclean but I nwo that I'm real!.
Say hello to the butterflies as the fly through the day!.!.!.!.for me!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Wait till I get my breath!. Man O Man what can I say!? It hit me man like a ton of steel!. It's Great, It's Great!. Where did you come up with this **** I love it!. If I read that when I'm stoned I'd be tripping all over the place!.
Take care and keep up the good workWww@QuestionHome@Com
You express your emotions with power!. Each stanza takes the reader deeper into this life!. The mother and father who don't take notice of their son who is on drugs!. The brother who died, and who you loved deeply!.
The last stanza is beautiful!.
Do know that you are a writer!. This can be improved -- this particular line needs a rewrite: But I' not into all that cannibal sh*t
and you have the skills to make it better!.
You are a poet!.
The ideas are good, but I think you need to rephrase some of the wording to make it flow more, and maybe order the stanzas differently!. Maybe have "sandman"' stanza before your last one!. The "Unknown" line is a bit out of place!.!.!.while some of the lines are a little awkward, just keep workin' on it!.
Hope you're havin' yourself a decent day!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i like this poem!. it's flawed but it carries the weight of your emotion!. i especially like the part with your mother i think i can identify with that!.!. somehow feeling older than my mother it's crazy how that happens before you've even hit the age of 20 but it happens!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
very good !. !. !. it's emotional !. !. it reminds me of a song !. !. right "I Wonder" by Kelly Pickler!. It's a very good poem, sad, but good!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
I thought it was wonderful!. The emotion the impact, the description all of it!. I think it is amazing but is also sad which makes it real!. Wonderful job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's an amazing Poem, alot of emotions!
the "Hey Brother" verse is simply: PERFECT
What else to say!?! You left me breathless :-)
I like Poems that rhyme, and urs is def!. one of them!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It was great man!. Powerful stuff!. Like what Dave V said If I was high I would be trippin'!. Keep on keepin' on!.
Ever think of writing music!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
It was good loved the cannibal part lol!.
Sad though it kind of fits whats happening today in the US
Damn that was awesome!!!!!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'm not gonna lie this is pretty sweet!. The second stanza was amazing!.
Well done, man!.Www@QuestionHome@Com