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Creative Criticism please!?
I know it's not done, I just need help pinpointing where I've gone wrong!.
In a soaring smoke crescent
Complimented by chimney and home
A single bird's tearful lament
Drowned out by the Factory drone
Burning shards of blood and flame
Lines of concrete and steel bar
Come crashing down in perfect refrain
Our silent bird escapes without scar
Too soon we speak of the better days
Smiling sun splashed over faces
Our sun now shot down, our trees ablaze
Our brushes in colder places
One day this will be a better place
One day we won't earn God's frown
To be free of grey walls and black lace
This Is Factorytown!.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
First, what is the calamity that caused the charring and burning!? What is the crescent smoke!? SHOW me don't tell me, because good writing is about showing a scene not telling someone what you see!.
Stanza two is filled with excellent descriptions, but why the bird!?
I think stanza three is when summer turns into autumn, but I'm not sure!.
The fourth stanza -- grey walls and black lace!? This needs to be shown since they are diametrically opposed -- one is like a prison that keeps you locked inside; the other is sheer and see through!.
I don't know Factorytown!. If I did then I probably would have more understanding of the poem!.
It reads pretty good!. The sounds when reading it aloud seem a tad bit discordant, other than pretty darn good!. Www@QuestionHome@Com