Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> A re-write, does this flow better? "Assisted Suicide"?

Question: A re-write, does this flow better!? "Assisted Suicide"!?
There I stood in the night,
balanced on the ruined pier!.
Me, with my feet in the sea;
You, with your face in the clouds!.
As I heard your voice,
felt your rippling laughter
splash against my feet,
I wanted to die!.
Right then and there!.

You smiled down across the waves
!.!.!.to reassure me!?
I could feel your eyes;
like the tide,
pulling me out to sea!.

For just one moment,
you held me there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is a very good rewrite!. It flows better and the meaning is illuminated more clearly!. It is a darkly beautiful love poem!. It is as though your lover has a siren song that is enticing you to your death even as it brings you complete happiness!. The song and the joy are in the laughter that splashes across your feet!. Great rewrite!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

That's really beautiful, I simply loved itWww@QuestionHome@Com