Can someone critique my poem for my creative writing class?

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Question:

Here it is below!. It's called Coney from Two perspectives!.

At first glance, from
Someone with a different perspective
It’s a place filled with people,
A spectrum of social classes
Everyone sitting in a booth with
It’s almost comfortable
Red plastic seats!.
The man at the counter up front
With the shifty, wayward glancing eyes
A man… a woman!? Sitting alone
At another booth!.
The business men in black suits
With cell phones, talking
Pretending to enjoy the surrounding company!.
Waitresses look tired
And the cooks stand,
Emotionless in a white t-shirt stained
With French fry grease and sweat!.
A place with many faces
Illuminated only by humming florescent
Lights!.

I don’t see it that way!.

Walk in through two doors
The scent of chili and cheeseburgers
Permeate the air!.
The regulars, scruffy old men
At the counter, glance as
I pass!.
Late nights, after a game
A sense of unity
Different cliques sitting
Far enough away to maintain
A safe distance, yet clearly there
For the same purpose!.
Dishes clatter together
The waitress approaches
Familiar with our group, smiles
And starts to take our order!.
She could probably recite it by heart
We all order the same thing every time!.

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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

When is the poem due!? Often we are our own best critics; we just have to separate ourselves from the afterglow of writing!. You have a very good idea here and one that ought to be developed!. If you have time to put it aside for a few days, or even weeks, and come back to it, its flaws will be obvious to you!. As you revise, pay attention to the rhythm!. Does it flow effortlessly from line-to-line!? When you read it aloud are there places that bog down!? Ask yourself if you have said enough (or, in this case, if you have said too much)!. Read every line and honestly ask if you have used exactly the right word in each case!. Experiment, would it work better rhymed!? in strict meter!? in an established or invented form!? My gut feeling is that if you said the same thing in Blank verse (unrhymed iambic pentameter) or in an accentual meter (the same number of accented syllables in a line) and you made it half its length, you would be on to something!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

this part is weird:
Everyone sitting in a booth with
It’s almost comfortable
Red plastic seats!.

you need to move the with Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's not the craziest poem out there, but it's pretty okay for a kid!. Poems don't have to rhyme, though I think that's what you want!. When I was younger all I wanted was for my poems to rhyme because everyone as impressed, and it had a certain rhythm to it!.

Your lines are choppy, and you need your poem to have a certain rhythm to it, not just whenever it pleases you!.

At first glance, from someone (you could substitute someone for stranger or another word!.) with a different perspective
It’s a place filled with people - a spectrum of social classes
Everyone sitting in a booth with it’s almost comfortable, red plastic seats!.

The man at the counter up front with (took out the "the") shifty, wayward glancing eyes
A man… a woman!? Sitting alone at another booth!.
The business men in black suits with cell phones talking,
pretending to enjoy the surrounding company!.

Waitresses look tired
And the cooks stand emotionless, in a white t-shirt stained
with French fry grease and sweat!.
A place with many faces illuminated only by humming florescent lights!.
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