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Question: Would you care to read this poem,please!?
Well,maybe you won't understand exactly what it is im talking about,but I hope you some what enjoy and feel free to be honest!.
Once,once I felt you bloom
Inside of me your claws cliched
Through the the blood your brightness slipped
During the tranquil of each day
Your light exceeded
Conquering various areas
of unknown seas
Between the coast and the Inland plains
Every hill spoke my fate
Without this perhaps the sun won't stay
With this perhaps the moon will come in the day
Miracles of flowers and sweet scented bird tunes
Together hand by hand
Stepping stones convert to diamondsWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
First impression: I like it!. I don't know what it's about, but the images it conjures up are interesting and beautiful!.
Getting a little nit-picky, I think you may have a spelling mistake in the second line, and the word "the" is repeated in the third line!.
Constructive criticism: the images in the poem don't all mesh together well!. It starts fairly light - bloom conjures images of flowers and spring!. Then moves to claws, which isn't so bright but in the context so far is more neutral!. Then blood, which is a sign of life, but is also the sign of wounds - I'm saying this is darker than neutral!. Then the tranquil of the day, which is peaceful!. The next line says light, and the one after that suggests light expanding - I got the image of a sunrise over the ocean!. In the next stanza, we stay with that theme, only drifting over land, which makes for a good flow from one to the next!. But "every hill spoke my fate" presents a sudden chill!. Something is wrong!. This worry continues with the next two lines, which seem like end of the world prophecies!. The line after is suddenly happy again - miracles, flowers and birds are all positive!. "Hand by hand" is again positive, and the last line is also positive, with a bit of a miracle to boot!.
What I'm trying to get at is that there are sudden shifts in mood in the first stanza between line 1 and line 2; line 3 and line 4!. In the second stanza, the sudden shifts occur between line 1 and line 2; line 4 and line 5!. Not knowing what the poem is about, it is pretty much impossible for me to know whether these rapid changes make sense or not, but as a reader they are quite disorienting!. Some intermediary line that showed why the change was there, or some context for the poem, might help clear this up!.
Final thoughts: I enjoyed reading the poem, and I found the imagery quite nice, though I didn't understand it!. It left me with a feeling of curiousity about what was behind it, and the interesting image of diamond stepping stones!. Unfortunately, from a thinking standpoint, it simply left me confused and slightly unsatisfied, since I don't think I could determine what the poem was about through analyzing it!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's pretty good, but I think you should work on getting it to flow a little better!.
For example, "With this perhaps the moon will come in the day" doesn't really flow very easily, maybe try to make it smoother!?
Keep working at it, it has great potential!. :]Www@QuestionHome@Com