Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> Have you ever met any Mary's?


Question: Have you ever met any Mary's!?
There are hundreds of Mary's in the world, a few might even buy that cup of coffee!.

Mary often looked at her reflection in the shop windows, she even managed to get her reflection to superimpose itself upon
a new garment displayed in the shop window!. “If I did myself up a bit, had a perm, put on a bit of lipstick that dress would lovely on me”!. She pulled her ragged coat tightly around her skinny body and sat in the doorway of a shop!.

Mary had been used to sleeping about with this chap and that, not that she did so for her own pleasure but that she would be warm in a bed, or upon a mattress thrown on some doss house floor!. She would have the company of someone for the night!. It was not much to ask was it, to have a place to lay her head however late she was able to get to sleep, or what price she had to pay for her lodging!. She knew that in the morning she would be thrown out to beg again for her next meal, her next bed for the night!.

She was forty, had had three kids all taken away from her by the State!. An illegal abortion tore something inside of her so there were no more kids for her!. Perhaps it was for the best; hell, she had forgotten what her kids looked like anyway!. Ten years ago the last one was taken, what was her name, Beryl after her Mom, but Beryl who; who was the father!. It doesn't matter it's all in the past and God only knows what the future held for her!.

"Got a five dollars for a cup of coffee Mister!?" She looked at the five dollar note then looked at the man walking away from her!.”Thanks mister” she shouted after him!. She looked at the crumpled note, there were few who ever gave her what she asked for!. Usually it was a copper coin or perhaps some silver rarely any more that a couple of dollars!.

She made her way to the dark alley and disappeared down its throat!. alright maybe she would feel like hell in the morning when the affects wore off but she wouldn't feel the groping hands all over her body, or have to smell the stinking breath that breathed hot on her face!. With any luck she might not even wake up!. Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
A good write, your words flow well, and the story strikes at an emotional level!. A few improvements could be made, mainly by editing!. I would prefer if you did not give her age, but write about her and leave the reader work it out themselves!. also you break up your formal language with informal one, for ex: !.!.!.down its throat!. alright maybe she would feel like hell in the morning!.!. Here "alright" is not necessary and breaks up the intimacy the reader feels with your character!.

Your first paragraph is the strongest!. The next two provide too much of a backstory!. Instead if you could keep the air of mistery you painted in the opening, it would help the story!.Otherwise you could expand it, and keep it intact!. Hope that helpsWww@QuestionHome@Com

thats touchingWww@QuestionHome@Com

I must say I was apprehensive when I delved into this, but I actually didn't think it was that bad!. There were some weak parts, like the beginning of paragraphs 2 and 3, you are sort of saying too obviously that she is a "hoodrat" (google it)!. But other than that it was goodWww@QuestionHome@Com