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Position:Home>Poetry> Please critisize my poem (but ignore spelling, spellchecker does that later)?Question: Please critisize my poem (but ignore spelling, spellchecker does that later)!? I sit down
He smiles at me I avoid his eyes so carefully!. He spurts out some random fact I stare into his iris black!. I think he's odd He says I'm nice he dreams aloud his wants in life Passion shines on his handsome face That fire takes him to another place!. Wishing to correct all the wrongs in the world Afraid college will hold you intact, My sweet enviromental terrorist, Maybe someday you'll come back!?Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: The rhyme falls out about 4 lines from the end Do not understand the "intact" part The ending needs to be worked out, it kind of thuds, while the beginning had a decent flow Take out "That" Fire takes him to another place much smoother Wishing to correct, wrongs in the world (smoother)Www@QuestionHome@Com The part "The fire takes him to another place" is a little awkward!. Maybe "this fire" would be better!. The last three lines are confusing!. Terrorist has such a negative connotation!. Do you mean for it to sound so extreme!? Cause environmental protector or alarmist could be better!. You lines are tighter, sleeker at first!. They get heavy toward the bottom!. Maybe rephrasing would make that better!? "Plans to correct the world's wrongs" might be a better way to say that!. Do you not want college to keep him the same, cause that's what I get from line 12!. Or is it more about college keeping him from you!? That's confusing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com The rhyming is good, but the bit about terrorists and the use of the word "intact" confuses me!. I would recommend changing that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Great for a first timer(if you are one) and good in general!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |