Would you comment on this revised and hopefully better verse for my granddaughte

Question: Would you comment on this revised and hopefully better verse for my granddaughter!?

Thank to all your comments last evening I reworked this piece for Emmy!.

Pixie Wings
An Emmy Poem
by C!.S!. Scotkin

Under my bed I have a box
with bright shiny pixie wings
this pretty box is wrapped in gold
and tied up with silver strings!.

What can we do with pixie wings!?
come close and I’ll give you a clue!
we can pretend to fly up high
in the clouds, just me and you!

Fly over trees and oceans blue
fly over cities and farms
fly over rivers and little brooks
you’ll show me all their charms!

And when our flying time is done
and it’s time for us to rest
will you tell us a story
of the sights you loved the best!?

The pixies who flew with shiny wings
and carefully put them away,
hoped they would have a little girl
like you on some happy day!.

And on a happy day in Spring,
when the flowers were bloomed and new,
Daddy and Mama got their wish
and she was the lovely you!

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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Very nice!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

There is extreme improvement, but it really does need a little more work on the rhythm!. Not much, but a bit!. A little rephrasing to get the syllable count just perfect for her little ears, so it bounces along merrily!. After all, the picture I have is of a beautiful little girl who I think will love it forever and have it memorized very soon, and shall probably sing it to her own children at a much later date!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

She will love the story!. It can be acted out as you read it to her!. However, children are very sensitive to the drumbeat; you have lines of eight, seven and six syllables!. Not all poetry must have meter, but if you're aiming for it, be consistent!. Read it aloud a few times before you give it to Emmy!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Nicely done ,,,When your Granddaughter gets this,,,I see her totally Happy reading this And maybe one day passing it down to her Granddaughter That's what I see ,,,,anyway

I also see what Elaine & Dondi had said ,,,,ok It's a little off not much not much at all>>SORRY<< Www@QuestionHome@Com

It reads like a song!. Love it!. Really, really beautiful, and no more lone pixie head!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'm still a sucker for Fairy stories!. Even at my age!.
This was an enchanting piece that I truly loved!.

Thank you for sharing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I do like it!. Not much more to say!. Very loving!. Every child should receive this sort of love from someone and somewhere!.
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This is simply beautiful and loving!. Bravo!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Delightful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

ITS a very sweet poem I am sure that your granddaughter, I am sure that she will love it!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think your granddaughter will love it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very nice, I like it
no more jumping on the bed!.!. sorry I made that comment !.!.!. on the last version!.!. but it was true!.!. LOL

That little girl has the best grandma in the whole wide world!.!.!.!
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Aww this is so awesome so creative!. nothing like the love ? for our grandchildren!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is quite lovely because it connects so beautifully to the child's world of fantasy yet appeals to the sentimental adult as well!. You are close enough to the correct rhythm to leave it as it is, but also close enough to doing it perfectly that you must feel the itch to iron out the few remaining rough spots!. For example, you might rewrite the concluding stanza as:

And on a joyous day of Spring,
Of flowers bloomed and new,
Both Dad and Mommy got their wish --
That wish, dear girl, was you!.

I won't suggest anything more because in such a sensitive matter the decision is ultimately your own, but I always hear that meter knocking on the doors of my mind and feel the need to answer it!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com