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Question: Do I have a good start on my poem!.!?
I don't really like it but i can tell it has potential, i dunno i think its the flow of the poem or my word choice!. What do u guys think!. BTW its not done!.
A Sexual Encounter
Bliss betwixt euphoria
Saccharine sensations abide my tongue!.
A finger running down
The crescent of her chest!.
Oh, How I want to kiss the
Marination of kiwi
On your epicurean lips!.
Each lone touch creates
Fluxed cryptograms of anticipation!.
Heart's liaison is my uncanny antidote
hidden beneath your aquatic eyes!.
Monochrome butterflies bleed
Diminutive sins!.
Erotic visions cascade gales
Of whispers of moan and breath!.
Frosty fingers of!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Your ear is correct!.!.!.it has potential, but it needs editing!. When choosing words, make sure they maintain consistency of voice!. For example, "betwixt" is a good word, as is "abide", but they seem out of place next to "Saccharine"!. Next, be careful of using sophisticated words just because they sound sophisticated!.!.!."epicurean lips" is a bit over-done!. also, "each lone touch" is redundant!.!.!.it's like saying, "little small"!.!.!.if it is a "lone" touch, there is only one, so "each" doesn't work!. "Fluxed cryptograms"!.!.!.contrived, blurry image, fix it!. "aquatic eyes"!.!.!.does she have "fish eyes", or are they blue!? I do like "bleed diminutive sins", but the "monochrome butterflies" is a little flat!. "cascade gales of whispers!.!.!." doesn't work!.!.!.you can't cascade a "gale"!.!.!.and neither word works with "whispers"!. So, you have some good word choices, but they don't all fit together, and you have a few good images!.!.!.other than that, you need to step back and see where you want to go, what image you want to create, and find a straighter line between the dots!.!.!.and keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
sounds good but i then again i barely know anything about poetry!. the only thing i would change [yes me the poetic disable] i the second to last lineto of whispers, moans and breath!.!.!.!. or if ur american of whispers, moans, and breath!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You shouldn't post anything you compose on here!.
People are vicious and will steal it!.
It's pretty good by the way!.Www@QuestionHome@Com