Will you comment my poem please? any suggestions?

Question: Will you comment my poem please!? any suggestions!?

I wear my sorrows on
a belt
I wear them just
for thee
I wear my sorrows on a belt
for all the world
to see
I wear my sorrows on
a belt
so everyone can tell
that it's not me
but them
that's gonna go
to hell!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

heh i really like it!. its unique and creative!. i agree with what Phelps C said; change that line so the rhythm is more constant!. other than that, its great! its short and sweet!.!.!. well, not really all that sweet, given the ending, but you know what i mean :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very Nice!

but I wouldnt use line breaks for some area though, this is how I owuld have wroten it!.

I wear my sorrows on a belt,
I wear them just for thee!.
I wear my sorrows on a belt,
for all the world to see!.
I wear my sorrows on a belt,
so everyone can tell!.
That it's not me,
but them!.
That's gonna go to hell!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Not bad!. Lose the "thee!." There is only one Shakespeare and him thou art not!. Fix the rhythm (read it out loud; you will see what I mean)!. Line 12 is ambiguous; does "them" refer to the sorrows on the belt or to the "everyone" who sees them!. If I'm the one going to hell I'd just like to know!.!.!.LOL!. Good effort, keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I would suggest changing the following!. Rather than:

"that it's not me
but them"

you should put

"that it's not me;
it's really them"

This will keep the meter (rhythm) of the poem consistent all the way through!.

Other than that little thing, it's very well written!. Kudos!Www@QuestionHome@Com

A three for the effort!.
The poem contradict its ending!.
"I wear them JUST for thee!."

I'm sure you could write a nice poem if you wanted!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

1-10 rating is:7Www@QuestionHome@Com

It made me laugh!.!.!.I like the sentences, its just the end bit was rushed and relating it to hell was so!.!.!.!.young!?Www@QuestionHome@Com