all of the reasons God never speaks to me part 1
he can’t he won’t he doesn’t want to
even if he wanted to and could i’m not listening
even if all that and i’m listening i don’t understand
he is speaking to me and i’m continually missing the point
all these things and more confound me
and i don’t know why it is God never speaks to me
or so it seems to me!. i might be contradicted
but what are opinions for!? it’s just my opinion
i feel it because i just don’t feel it
and i think have spoken to God for all of my known life
for days and nights and everything in between
i have kept a running monologue with my God who never speaks to me
for my sanity i speak and speak away in my aloneness
and when i’m bored with myself i speak to God
i jabber way out beyond thinking and reason
until the words swirl in twists of spite
and vortices of all-encompassing passion
i speak to God at the bus stop when i’m lost on a Sunday route
the bus just never came and i walked and walked now too late
to appreciate God’s being in the shimmering violets
glowing iridescent along the parkway
sensing always the seamy side of life my underwear
sweat permeating the polyester and clinging to my skin
i speak to God when Lauren just walks away
and out the door of our little condominium
to her boyfriend who at least
can give her some tenderness and listen to what she has to say and her silly notions
when all the rancid … of that mistake compounds itself over and over through so many entanglements putting two people so at odds with one-another in counseling consultations vacationing breaking-up and making-up again and finally finally failing
too wounded to step another inch forward along this path that we have taken
i speak to God I speak to God and ask him now does this make sense!?
i ask him doesn’t he ever intervene in affairs such as these!?
i speak to God when i have often lost the faith
and lost the hope the meaning
any verve for life the guts of it all the punch
the lust for life the frame of thought the ease the panache
and lost my swagger and gait my cool and any aplomb
any jive any taste for life
any more desire
i speak to God
and speak to him on the open highway speak in the snarled road
I speak to him in the soreness of my toe
and speak to the hole that i’ll fill with the wrong-sized screw
and an odd-shaped screwdriver i speak
to the refrigerator door God
won’t you ever speak to me!?
can’t you intervene and straighten –out
all these things!?
and i wonder if he is meant to do so
what if he had to repair all my home appliances!?
and what kind of life world it really be!?
if God had to mend my broken heart
before it ever was broken!?
what kind of a world
if God had to work
all on my agenda!?
and i think that probably it doesn’t work that way but just for once God
could you make my checkbook balance!?! and just for once
give me the parking space i’m backing up into the guy heads in and God
couldn’t you just for once
help me keep my tongue in place!?
when i imagine the wonders of my personality!?
keep my words in check when i bristle
at your other creatures that irritate me so!?
and shape my thoughts so i can feel
all the things i have been taught to believe
i need a lot of work God can you see!?
come on God get down and talk to me but
it’s seems it ain’t the system
i’m beginning to understand
God doesn’t speak to me
though i haven’t given up trying God
i never say there is a never or a not
except from time to time
i never say there can’t be a way
except when i’m very tired
i never say that this is a fantasy or delusion
except when there’s no one listening
oh God! wouldn’t you ever like to speak to me!?
i’m gonna kinda hafta think you don’t
and that’s too bad because now who am i gonna
talk to i’m so boring after all!?
and you were at least entertaining
or the thought of you kept me going
and going through piles of textbooks and exams you kept me
humming at my nightlight
when my first real job went bust and i was
four hundred miles from home you kept me you
kept my sleep a daily rest you
gave me rest and when i couldn’t rest you
gave me that
ps: dear God
thanks so much for listening
please forgive me my weakness my anger my pain
please God teach me to listen, again
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