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Question: Edited now, does this version make sense !?
After receiving some very helpful feedback on the Love, Fight or Flight poem I submitted earlier today, I have worked on this with honest effort!. However, I may not be able to step back far enough to see what else may be needed!. When I read it out loud, it makes sense to me, perhaps I am a bit biased though as the poem has a personal meaning!.
Minor cluttering words have been removed, an additional stanza added to clarify, and faint sounding words replaced!.
I would, as always appreciate your honest comments or suggestions!. I am a poetry novice who is more than willing to learn!.
When love seeking dreamers dream,
love lights winter’s longest nights!.
Nary enough logic shall deter or shred,
his love desired, riding emotion’s flights!.
Determined without darkest shadow,
satisfaction each soul longing, desiring!.
Searching, what yet is not found,
faith, truth, all love tis requiring!.
Love’s essence, standing test of time,
reaching beyond her hurtful, snide lies!.
Love, truth, unfound within her soul,
honest needs, her heart strongly denies!.
Granted glimpses, flickering bright,
untarnished wings soon faded black!.
Struggling mightily, dreams unrealized,
eight dreary years, time can’t turn back!.
Wings damaged, preventing flight,
nightly longing, he cries his deepest cry!.
Questioning mankind, universe rhythms,
dreamer wondering, calling, why !? Oh why !?
Somewhere, within mists of spring,
dreaming once more, no longer he’ll weep!.
Rested, knowing with certainty, beginning anew,
dreams waiting, there in his dreamers sleep!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
There are some lines in this that I completely fell in love with, such as the first one: "when love seeking dreamers dream!." It reads so smoothly and also pulls you in while anticipating what goes on in these dreams!. I think what happened in this poem, is that you got carried away on grand illusions, attached them to the words strung together in an urgent and eager attempt to show them to us!. The poem reads beautifully, you've mastered diction quite well (which I haven't, uuurghh)!. But you haven't really taken us into the place of these dreams where all of the action is taking place!. I hope I helped!. I'm always hesitant to critique since I'm never sure how the person will take it!. I enjoyed this read and look forward to the revision!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I loved the poem and I think it is better without knowing the history that way when you read it you can connect to it better and it makes the words more personal which makes reading the poem a better experience for the reader at least for me it was!. Some times knowing what the poet was thinking when writing the poem disconnects the reader!. Any way again I loved it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I agree on the tis being wrong but the nary to my point of thinking can be defined broadly as negative!.!. or no, not
I leave that in your mind to decide!.
As for the poem itself I think it is very good, and it is better understood by understanding the writers history!.
Thank you Www@QuestionHome@Com
Traveling!.!.!.I thought I'd never see a poem as full of alliteration as this one, on Y/A!.!.!.You, sir have excellent command of words!.!.!.they do not command you, as is seen all too often here!.
Your gift is a real one, and you undoubtedly know it!. I look forward to more of this style!.!.!.you knew what you were doing with these words!. Indeed! Magnificent elocution!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I don't know what compare this too!
You could post your other (before the edit )so people can see what you have done with the editing! I hope this suggestion helps you!
How do I know I don't like the first one better!? Just go to your answers and find it and copy and paste the link so people can read both and decide!
My favorite stanza of THIS one is
Granted glimpses, flickering bright,
untarnished wings soon faded black!.
Struggling mightily, dreams unrealized,
eight dreary years, time can’t turn back!.
Cheers!
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u r too good now ur BLUNT VIEWS PL
Romeo and Juliet TEN
Romeo, oh my Romeo,where is Shakespeare,
only Romeo, you can tell me, where is he,
My dear one,do u not realise how I love u
Even so I want to know how come Shakes' knows it,
Oh my Romeo you and I will always,will one be!.
Juliet I am and shall always remain,
U know a part of Romeo,e're the end of time,
Let none forget us and our foster father
In this world ,who has given us an identity,
Ever to become immortal for all times,
To be the worlds'renowned lovers, as any bell chimes!.
JESSICA KING ELEVEN
Jessica my dearest neice a gift of Almighty,
Every time I kiss you my heart glows
smilingly, I know you are my love, my life
Sweet as a midsummer nights' dream, do you know
In the early hours of a summers' morn
Came a huge storm and it was then
A bag burst and a woman in pain ,
Kind of misery, no one shall see,
In the hours of that early Tsunami,
No one shall ever forget that day,
Glowing in spirits, you came our way!.
We named u ,''Jessica King''
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You seem to be using several words that don't even make sense because you think they are "poetic" words!. Ex:
"Nary enough logic!.!.!."
"Nary" means "Not even one" so all together this means "Not even one enough logic!.!." which doesn't make any sense!.
"All love tis [sic] requiring"
"'tis" is a contraction of "it is," so this reads "All love it is requiring!." Again, this is nonsensical in this context!.
There is no need at all to use these words -- which you clearly don't understand -- in your poetry!. Sure, they're spread throughout the best Elizabethan sonnets, but those sonnets aren't good because they use what are now old-fashioned words; they're good because they are founded on interesting premises and have a beautiful sound to them!.Www@QuestionHome@Com