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Question: Critique!.!.!.yet again!.!.!.thanks!.!.Lifes a test, well I got bad marks!?
I'm really not to happy!.!.!.do you think it shows!?!?
I'm like your hallway clock, you only listen every hour,
But by God you steal so many looks as I go about my day!.
I wanted to show you that I hate all my scars,
But in this case I guess they remind me of what is real!.
I hate writing poetry cause it's all about you
And all of the bullsh*t you have put me through,
But I guess it is my cure, when I cannot drink,
So I'll write another verse, that we both know is sh*t
This weekend I think that I'm gunna go for a drive,
And leave all of this in a trail behind!.
I might even go swimming to wash off your dirt,
Cause I can now say I've had enough, yeah I can't wait to learn!.
Love is a gamble and I'm not a betting man,
So how the hell can I make it out alive,
i know what your thinking now when you read this,
'Go to hell, stop whining and become a man'
Well it's easier said then done, cause I've never had a dad,
You know that man, your meant to look up to well,
He split while I was young, but not to young to not care,
I hope that I can see him again, so I can spit in his face!.
I hate for my friends to see me in this way,
So that's why I drink pretty much everyday,
At least then I'm calm and content with my life,
It's not the best way to live, but it sure as hell feels right!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The first stanza is definitely good!. I liked that one very very much!.
The last two stanzas, I am not too fond of!. It gets a tad too real after "Love is a gamble and I'm not a betting man" because in the first three stanzas it's very symbolic, and you suddenly are entering a more literal side!.
Tweak it if you want, but definitely keep the first three stanzas plus that one line after it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Thats a really good poem
Heres a song I use to listen to when my heart was broken
http://www!.youtube!.com/watch!?v=qnOvGGGf6!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
once aain my friend--you are genius and its like you know what i'm going thru in my own life wight now!. i'm not so happy either!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
That's awesome!.
Line 1 stanza 4: did you invent that or borrow it from someone else!? It's a great metaphor anyway!.
Line 3 stanza 5: needs work I think!. Just think of a better wording for "not too young to not care"
Lines 3 & 4 stanza 2: I don't like "cannot", and "that we both know is sh*t"!. I suggest rewording it if you can!.
Otherwise, it's a great poem!. Personally, I think it's even better as song lyrics!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it definitely shows you're not happy!. I'm assuming your main message is that you're pissed at being judged even though you're not listened to enough for your true story or self to be known; and the person you are or were in love with has driven you to drinking just to keep your sanity and emotional health by doing this and now you want to leave them so you can stop copping that kind of crap!. There's also the thing about your father being an asshole, having screwed with your head by ditching you and your family!.
Am I about right!? If so, ditch the ***** and try to quit drinking!. Good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wouldn't you rather be you than your dad when judgment day comes!? Until then just get by any way you can- it doesn't matter what you ingest as much as what you leave behind you for others to deal with!. I know you can help the future "orphans" like you and I (well, 1/2 orphans) you are already very free of guilt and THAT is how it should be!. also if you have questions ask, if you have anger vent, and if you have pain and can't cry, just spew it out on pages with a heavy poisoned pen until it soothes you into the calm that chemicals bring!.!.!. there are the same chemicals inside of you but they are much more pure, less side effects and they belong to YOU foir free!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com