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Question: Critque please!.!.!.gf and I just broke up!!?
My thoughts they have caved in as I swim through this ocean,
A thousand doves circle my mind but with no prevail!.
I hope you know that every inch of my heart is beating,
See the blood on the floor that's the wounds that you left!.

A heart is an open wound with stitching through the arteries!.
I hope that when all is done you can still be my friend!.
Nights like tonight oh god how I could do without them!.
But I guess that's it's better now then when we have kids!.

You see I wanted to grow old with you and have a family,
And through my brothers death you were there for me!.
But now when I look into your eyes, I see miles of open fields,
Cause your to far gone and now we can't be saved!.

I wanted you to help me cure all of my addictions,
But it seems that they are all just going to fall back in place,
I knew you hated who I was all along,
Well now you know the song I've been singing all along!.

I don't like to complain but here I go,
My life is a fun game if you want to have no soul,
I hope that you can be happy with the man of dreams,
While I waste away like the ******* wreck I am!.

but I guess I can see the humour in the situation,
Like me be happy!.!.!.oh god what a joke!.
So so long my love and my sweet butterfly,
I hope that your happy as I die inside!Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Oh, I am so sorry!. I will try my best to empathize with you!.

I don't think this is much of a critique!.!.!.but more of what I want to say!.

I enjoy reading your writing, whenever you post them up on here, and while it's not perfection in terms of a formal poem, I feel like you have more truth in what you say, maybe directly more than indirectly!. What you have written here again is yet another piece straight from your soul!. It doesn't have to follow any specific rule or expectation!. You write for you, and no one else!. And that is what I appreciate the most whenever I read any writing!. The fact that you wrote this, correlating directly from your life as it is, is the best thing you could possibly have!. There is no matter in how it is structured, or if it is grammatically correct down to the last tidbit!.!.!.it is no matter!.

Please keep writing, for your own sake, and now, perhaps for mine, because I would like to hear from you again!.
I hope the future holds better things for you!.
That's all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

First of all I am really sorry!. Second of all wow that was amazing bittersweet topic but it was great!. You have major talent!. I like it though I am sorry for the topic it is based on!. I love that you are showing raw emotion and are not afraid of expressing yourself!. I hope things get better and once again I am very sorry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

:( I'm so sorry

but I gotta say, you have talent!
especially for how much you wrote


now I could understand how my!.!.ex bf feelsWww@QuestionHome@Com

awww! im so sorry! i love it though! amazingly detailed!Www@QuestionHome@Com

As usual the last line is very often the key to whole your poem :
I hope that your happy as I die inside!

i suppose life goes on in its own sad or merry rhythm and time being a great healer allows us in course of time to be at rest and more inwardly gathered to understand life and its emotions more clearly!.
You are looking for love that is perfect!. However you yourself admit that you have many vices,so how will perfection come to one who is wallowing in imperfection and slime !?
Let yur nature be more steady in its flow and genuineness like your poetry!. I not8ice that you have writen the poem in Hexameter!. Thus the lines are long, but the height and the flight of true meter will emerge with maturity!.
Needless to say that I love your poetry and wish that you grew equally in peace and calm!.
Yours, Sincerely, Srikant!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

sweetheart you just keep them coming because you are genius and i am not just saying that!. you seem to know what is going on in my heart!. write all you want because these are things that i have been feeling for a long time now!. one day im going to put my thoughts down and either someone will relate or they will commit me!!!!!

hang in there sweetie---people don't know what they have until it's no longer there and i hope she is regretting whatever she did to you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

it's alright!. not that good!. you have a lot of mistakes though!. spelling and grammar!. for example "cause your to far gone and now we can't be saved"!. it should be "cause your toO far gone and now we can't be saved"!. or "So so long my love and my sweet butterfly" it should be "So long, my love and sweet butterfly"!. i dont know why you added the extra "so"!. oh and in the first line of the poem "my thoughts they have caved in as I swim through this ocean"!. okayy im confused here, are you talking about the past or present!? you say 'caved' and then 'swim'!. it just doesn't fit right!. it should either be 'caved' and 'swam' or 'cave' and 'swim!. and no need for the extra 'they' in the sentence!. it makes it sound rushed, and not contructed well!. for example:

your original line:

My thoughts they have caved in as I swim through this ocean!.

it could be either 1:

My thoughts caved in as I swam through the ocean!.

or 2:

My thoughts cave in as I swim through this ocean!.

see the difference!? it not only sounds better, but it flows better too!. you have a lot more mistakes but im too lazy to do them lol!. soo good luck!. overall the theme of the poem is touching!. and is very meaningful!. sorry about the breakup, you'll find someone don't worry!. Www@QuestionHome@Com