Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> Comments on my poem please - love it or hate it all welcome.?


Question: Comments on my poem please - love it or hate it all welcome!.!?
FANTASY

The moment conception secured its place
In the corner of my mind
My heart has longed for your embrace
Beyond my slumber – pined,

Rushing waters, sun kissed skies
Your gentle stare into my eyes
Not knowing how these worlds have crossed
But in your soul - I get lost,

Obsession sometimes rules my thoughts
And fears exposed inside
For if I can not be with you
Then what’s the point of life!?

I search for you at every moment
When life takes a break
Adoring – perfection of your flesh
Your loss – I could not take!

If only you knew how I feel
Our worlds might join as one
But in the darkness I shall sit
Waiting on the sun,

And even light can not reveal
What you mean to me
For in the corner of my mind
You’re just my – Fantasy!.

WRITTEN BY
ASHLEIGH TAYLOR
SILVERCHICK……
Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The first two verses feel well crafted and they read beautifully!. The third, too is fine!.!.!.but, something goes wrong in the fourth verse, line 'When life takes a break' - it sounds too slangy and the meter is wrong!. Any hope of a re-write there!? The remainder gets on track again!.
Well written, congratulations!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

You are fantasizing about your perfect lover, are you not!?
As such it's pretty good, but I agree that it wants a bit of polishing - check your grammar and cut out those slangy bits and cliches!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Absolute splendor!. I have no critique, except to say add your (c) copyright mark to your work!.

Thank you for this beauty!.
T!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Wow you have a good poem!. It is nice to put your imagination and your true feeling on it!. Keep up the good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Awesome! Www@QuestionHome@Com

nicely written,the epitome of hopeWww@QuestionHome@Com

Its a superb poem!.I just loved it!.Its been long since i read a cute poem like this!.Its too emotional!.Its fully my timeWww@QuestionHome@Com

Sorry im really really bad at english lolWww@QuestionHome@Com

Wow!.!.!.!.!.!. its!.!.!. amazing!!!! A++Www@QuestionHome@Com