Position:Home>Poetry> Poem critique please…?
Question: Poem critique please…!?
thought we were safe
thought we were hidden
here where we practice
what is forbidden
herd you calling,
while you were falling
my blazing
shooting star
watched you
till you
disappear
lingering sensations
half started creations
that never will be
tormented expressions
find forgotten places
the secret spaces
where we’re used to playing
doesn’t matter
what we do
we’re alone
alone with you
darkest dark
hears us thinking
thinking of you
its fresh and raw… we want it to be refined… and we’re not sure of a title… maybe “Carnival Mirror” or “Let Go My Ego” or some such thing… Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It has some promise but it seems to lack direction and focus!. The first stanza is intriguing; it invites us in to this hidden, forbidden place and then drops the whole idea cold!. Now suddenly we're talking about a shooting star!. Then everything just seems to dissipate!. It seems that you have forgotten that you have an audience and that poetry is communication with that audience!. When you say, "lingering sensations" or "tormented expressions" we have no way of knowing what you mean because you haven't told us; we cannot read your mind!. You read it to yourself and think that it works because you remember the sensation or expression you had in mind when you wrote it!. But that does not mean that communication has taken place!. Keep working on it; it may take several revisions before you are happy with it but it is definitely worth the effort!. Good job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
This was about safety
or the protection from
accidents and falls!.
Talking about being
safe and hidden
Screaming out in
pain after falling
is a signal
However being
in places forbidden
can be trouble!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
If it is raw, it is good!. Just change the word herd to heard---fifth line!. Now go back and write some more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Even dark poetry can be funny!.!.!.think about it!.!.!.!.write one!.!.!.a challenge to you!!! Glove's down!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
cool!.!.!.i like it!.!.!.what form are u trying to use!?!?!?Www@QuestionHome@Com