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Position:Home>Poetry> I'm having a conversation with myself and you both. Kind of "rhyming st


Question: I'm having a conversation with myself and you both!. Kind of "rhyming stream of thought"!. Like it at all!?
!. lost my point

come let's see what lies beyond
this asphalt jungle of which we're fond

beyond the cement and the steel
beyond the bars and a cheaper deal
beyond the smoke and stench of man
away from the streets we didn't plan

while we've still time, come let's go
i know a place where time moves slow
there is a place beyond our cares
there is a place of lesser fares

fanciful, foolish! i hear you say
you speak in jest there is no way

i know your feelings, how real your fears
you have your ways - no wasted years
you say there’s joy, there's all you need
you've found the love, escaped the greed

and well for you, how fine to hear!
you've found good fortune, you have no fear
then far it be from me to say
that you should hear another way

i won't relate the litany
the evening news expresses me
the daily press
relates the mess

i cannot add
a way more sad
it scorches and depresses me
i thought that i could set care free

but come let's see what God has planned
we all can seek, strike up the band!

i want to walk in nature's way
i want to run and laugh and play
i think there's moments when spirits die
not physically, appearances lie

we die when we have failed to see
another's point of view could be
a point of truth - if not for me
is just in fact what others see

i thought i heard my voice, my lines
a haunting echo of ageless signs
it's not the message - an advocacy
it’s just the emphasis - the urgency

so mark me then and stay my motion
stop the mission, he's self-promotion
squelch the portion of this man's sermon
we'll hear no more, he's not a pure man

chastised now i'm on my way
with no conception that it will pay
but i'll find solace - i've butted-in
in consolation i could have been

a much more common situation
i could have sought recrimination
sent you out subliminal meaning
no rebuttals, you swallowed unfeeling

undermined you, sent you poison
in pg rating is no less noisome

the preferable tactic in democracy
is commercial success- save the hypocrisy
of trying to pass our messages off
as altruism- you choke and cough!

we understand the ways of money
we're numbed to accept it - isn't it funny!?
and there's a reason we understand
we've come to accept the lay of the land

the way it is we learn our lessons
as long as the nuggets fool our impressions
as long as we've been entertained
the message is clear, the victory is gained

and so it's likely i've lost my point
i've gotten my nose all out of joint
i'd meant to take a walk a while
and try and conjure up a smile

forgive me as i've rambled here
indulged myself and bent your ear
and what it is we mean to say
is sometimes lost in just this way!
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Just a suggestion - when you are talking to yourself, could you put those words in inverted commas!? Then it would be clearer to us when you are talking to us!.!.!.!.I got lost in a few places!.

It needs tightening up as your last two verses say, although I admit when I've tried to shorten it I haven't been able to find a sensible cut off point!. You have several 'sermons' here which could be poems in their own right, perhaps you could break this up into Parts I, II, III, and IV
Nice to see you back!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Ah, USA Forklift, good to read your lines again!. A thoughtful muse, doing exactly what it says on the tin!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I enjoyed reading you thoughts - I think they were Splendid! So much, that they inspired (or provoked) in me a similar response - if you don't mind indulging me a bit:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You SAY so much for me to SEE -
the thoughts perceived inside of me!.
I believe I’ve heard these words before,
I think I’ve thunk them once, or more!.

I don’t think you’re alone in your estimation
of how we’ve fashioned our ravenous nation!.
And when you spoke of the ‘lay of the land’
I thought, “Mans complacency !. !. !. isn’t it grand!”

But self purgatory is not the place
to remedy this fallen grace!.
And, we can only briefly find ways to escape
the moral and ethical, cultural rape!.

It’s up to us to make the difference!
Display the way to greater significance!.
This condition that we’ve become - do not obsess;
devote time illuminating - your best redress!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As my Dad always instructed, "keep a positive outlook; a negative one will only help guide you to failure!" And as I said, "Nice Job! Keep up the good work!"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Interesting dialogue, well penned as usual!. While I read the dissatisfaction I did not see much of your ideas outside of probably doing the opposite of what is now!. To walk in nature's way, to run, laugh and play!. Intriguing in its simplicity!. Un cluttering life definitely would improve lives!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

ah once again u have made one of the best poems I ever read!.!.!. hmmm!.!.!. it sounds like you were talking to someone!.!.!. BUT I LOVE IT ANYWAY!!!!! =D for me u don't need corrections!.!.!. but other people have thier opions!!! Hope you make another one soon!!!! ;)Www@QuestionHome@Com