Position:Home>Poetry> Not a pro..just want some honest opinions on my poem?

Profound resignation in terms of style and message!.
I particularly like the opening line and its echo in the last stanza!. That gives coherence to the poem's message!. Scooping the water "from the sea" that the speaker has never thought of doing out of fear of the sea's "sparkling blueness," is echoed with determined resolve in the last stanza, "No, I would never disturb the blueness of the sea!." The profundity of the message comes across when the reader realizes that the poet is subtly commenting on suffering after blissful "countless nights" with a certain 'you', now sadly reduced by fate or by design to some illusory existence!. The senseof resignaation is explicitly expressed in "Let my zeal be dozed into the darkness," implicitly in "Oh just please be happy, and so I shall be!"

I wonder whether "and so it be" of the first stanza could be revised to "and so be it" without inflicting injury to the poem's overall intention!!
What about the old English "thee" of second stanza being expressed in its modern form, "you!"
You may want to revise this line:
"Even the sunniest day's happiness could never be rated comparably!"
to read thus:
Even the sunniest day's happiness could never be so compared! That is, even the happiness felt on the sunniest days can never be compared to "the bliss I feel when you're near me!." That is what I guess you mean!.
On the whole, this is a a marvelous poem!!
Give it a title please!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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I enjoyed reading this verse, even though I 'm not a fan of lengthy lines!.!. One thing I'm sure of here, you have a high sense of poetry! Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Great Anne!. I like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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that was a spectacular poem you should make up your own peoms more Www@QuestionHome@Com

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It has some good, good lines and a few to which I would like to offer an alternative!. Please pardon the presumption!.

Never have I thought of scooping water from the sea
Emptying its sparkling blueness into my own hands cruelly
I'd want it to be that way, proud of its own inherent beauty
Look at it from afar, longingly love it, looking back, so should it be

After those countless nights when I beautifully dreamt of thee
Remembering your scent, your smile, and the bliss of you near me
Even the sunniest day's joys could never be rated comparably!
Lest a lot of times, I wish I was blind for I refuse to discern reality
Let my zeal be dozed into the darkness, for love smiled at her and not at me

Amidst this suffering, from which I wonder, If I'll ever be free
No, I would never disturb the blueness of the sea
Oh just please be happy, and so I shall be!.

It never hurts to polish and rework any poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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honest opinion!? hmm!.!.
ang hirap naman!

but you indeed managed to pull it together with the analogy of leaving the guy alone with the girl he happens to love, as you would want to leave the waves of the sea to its fate!. after all, scooping all the water out would unlikely produce a substantial effect, as would fighting for the attention of a man who has committed himself to someone else!.

the content is good!.!. however, the construction is wanting of a little creativity!. i believe it could use another verse or two!. my point is: i didn't feel compassion for the girl by the sea, nor contempt for the one chosen!.!. i guess therein lies the problem -you have to move the emotion of the reader!.

over-all, it is good enough!.!. and you have huge potential!.

Www@QuestionHome@Com

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