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Question: Would you care to critique my second attempt at a sonnet!?
Gathering Acorns
by C!.S!. Scotkin
Amongst the fall of yellow leaves and red
and acorns brown berets that hide bald pate
small trembling squirr’l quick looks to me with dread
as frozen fear does stop his flight from fate!.
His wish, vocation simple, to survive
the cold and wintry prison yet to come!.
Prepare, these shorter days till Spring’s revive
and pray for excess stores within his home!.
This tree of Oaken splendor, quiet waits
a furry tenant soon must larder fill
and nesting warm ‘fore labors can abate
to scurry to his Guard from Winter’s chill!.
A warmer breeze Spring’s soft veneration
dropped acorn wakes, tree’s new generation!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
With all due respect to Neoman's meter observations, this is a delightful poem!. It reminded me of the time my wife and I sat in a church yard in a small village in England!. Early snows had fallen but left the ground beneath the Oak's free of winters blanket!. Grey squirrels eagerly sought out the remaining acorns, stuffing each one into the pouches of their cheeks giving them a cartoon look!. We watched them for ages forgetting how cold we had become!. Thank you for reminding me of those few precious moments of ten years ago!.
RobertWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like this much better than your first sonnet; the rhyme and meter of the first three quatrains is very fine and you maintain the sense of what you are writing very well indeed!. Now you only have to work on that closing couplet to link it semantically to what has come before and to get the meter right!. All in all, a very good sonnet with a lovely Autumn theme!. The next sonnet may be perfect at this rate; they are fun to write, aren't they!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is a very wonderful poem in many ways!. Despite the few lines that stray from the meter, this is a creative and imaginative poem with very good flow!. I could see your poem play out in my mind!. If the meter is important to you then Neonman and Dondi are exceptional when it comes to meter and always offer great advice!. They have both helped me on more than one occasion!. Anyhow, excellent job on your sonnet!. I love squirrels!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is how the meter sounded to me:
-/-/-/-/-/
--//-/-/-/
-/-///-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/-/
-/-//-/-/-
/-///-/-/-
As to the poem, very nice!. End rhymes were not forced!. Are you having fun!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
I know that now you're working on meter rather than imagery, so at this point, I'll say, Ss1,2,3 sound perfect to me!. The couplet needs a bit of work!. Fine job rhyming!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You did better this time!.!. The iambic meter still falters a bit but not as much as the other!. Practice makes perfect, and I am sure perfection is very close!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Critique!? No!. But I will say it was enjoyable!
Those little buggers are always up to mischief, moving my bulbs around and whatnot!Www@QuestionHome@Com
NiceWww@QuestionHome@Com