Position:Home>Poetry> New Poem I wrote!! Kinda dark, tell me what you think!!!?
Question: New Poem I wrote!! Kinda dark, tell me what you think!!!!?
Waking from a horrid dream
Letting out a bloodshot scream
Sweat dripping from my face
Happy my limbs are in place
Creaking from the wooden floor
Heading toward the bedroom door
Breathing heavily I start to run
The horrid dream had just begun
Now I begin to drown in fear
As the shadow approaches near
Looks my fear straight in the eye
Then lets out a piercing cry
Coldness takes me over as I fall
The shadow drags me to the wall
It looks at me and starts to laugh
As it tears my shaking leg in half
To shocked to scream I start cry
As a darker shadow passes by
Shadows coming from all around
Hold my body to the ground
They show no mercy they want to kill
I feel no pain, just a chill
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Not bad!.
I would change the syllables in a few lines!. Most of them are 7 or 8!.
First line: Breathing heavily i start to run----this needs one less syllable!. 'With heavy breath I start to run" would be more rhythmic!.
The other line is Coldness takes me over as i fall!. This line breaks the rhythm a bit too!. Maybe changing it to 'Coldness takes me as i fall' would be better
Another line is 'As it tears my shaking leg in half!.' one syllable too many here!. Maybe 'Tearing my shaking leg it half' would be better for the rhythm!.
Other than that is a good poem!. Gotta love the dark stuff!. I write too!. It's always great isn't it!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
It seems I could hear a little Edward Allen Poe in there!. This poem sounds similiar to his style!.
As I mentioned before, you're good with words!. It was frightening and I really got a good mental picture!. Which I may not have wanted to have!. That was scary!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
i really lyked it! u should try to get it published or somethin, and u definatly need to wright more! Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!its cool!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Love it! love it! love it!!
Write some more and get published !
what is your inspiration for this I wonder!? :)Www@QuestionHome@Com