Will you please critique this bit I have written? ?

Question: Will you please critique this bit I have written!? !?

Vision is altered
Reality fades away
Into pretense!.

I cried
You heard
Tears turn
To smile
Silence
Deepens
Darkness
Creeps in
I feel
Safe now
Stay here
All night
With you
With me
So right
Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

The words are deep!. They could 'v conveyed the meaning better if they took another form; your usual form!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I was OK for me!. I would have liked more physical touching!.

Www@QuestionHome@Com

Uhhh, OK!. Slowly she turns!.!.!.Inch by inch!.!.!.Step by stepWww@QuestionHome@Com

Wake me when it's over!. ZzZzZz!.Www@QuestionHome@Com