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Question: A poem for you critique!? Will you oblige me!?
From the Highway
By Semper Fi Reborn
From the highway
I observed a memory
A car window glimpse of my past
Hearing laughter long faded
Smelling smells long dissipated
My mind took me on a journey
Not one of mystique or mystery
No genies or magical dragons
But my journey did involve a bottle
The bottle that sat on the top of Pabst Blue Ribbon
On South Orange Avenue
Like a beacon of hardworking men
Stopping for a brewski after work
Like a symbol of days to come
For a boy too young to plan a future
Yet mature enough to see it
Every stone around Grove Street
Smelled like barley and hops
The inner sanctum of Newark held fiber
Long gone is the brown bottle on the building
Long gone is the bright blue building
Long gone are the workers
And goodbye work
There is just a pile of rubble
I saw from the highway
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Thank you for sharing this with me, it really made me feel like I was there, you are an awesome writer, I really believe that you should write a book one day, not just one of poems, but a novel, you have a way of bringing the writer right to the scene, I felt like I was watching it play out like in a movie!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Your poem is really well written!. I particularly like the line "A car window glimpse of my past" - very nice!.
It would benefit from some well placed punctuation though!. That helps to give your readers a sense of how you say it to yourself, or how it should be read aloud!.
also, I feel like your last stanza doesn't fit real well with the rest of the poem!. It flows really well until then!. Maybe rework it a little!. The repetition is good, but try using a phrase less cliche than 'long gone'!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
great stuff!! the last stanza is especially powerful!. u begin my having us where you are and the take us on a journey through some distant time and back again to the rubble!.!.the imagery just melts!. i loved the story telling voice but i did find that in order to satisfy the rhythm there were a few redundant lines!? not one of mystique or mystery is a bit of a cliche!.!.!.but overall i quite enjoyed it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Some memories are as physical and your poem is sensory, and though the memory may seem mundane, it can hold a significant place in the mind and heart!. Your first stanza is simply amazing and the rest follows smoothly and sensitively!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, I felt your memory too, as you drove by!.
I have had that driving by shipyards, and seeing my hometown change, and graveyards reminding me of shipmates!.
Time rolling back then forward!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sad, with the sadness of lost yesterdays,
but as long as the little boy remembers,
the brown bottle will always be there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I will oblige you!.!. :)
it was nice!. it was like a man looking into his past upon the fond and unpromising memories of boyhood!. you're a lovely writer!. i liked it very much!.
Keep writing!. Have a nice day!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yet, the little boy still sees it all!. The views etched in his heart and soul!. Smells staining the fiber of his life!. Storytelling, my friend!. Well done!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Not bad!. Hats off to youWww@QuestionHome@Com
I didnt like it!. I don know why, but its to abstract and some of the words dont quite fit!. No Offense ThoughWww@QuestionHome@Com