Position:Home>Poetry> Would you care to comment on my crudely written work?
Question: Would you care to comment on my crudely written work!?
Days go by me in remnants of beauty
I pick up pieces of my shattered day
I can scarcely keep the wolves at bay
They sympathize quite crudely!.
The vultures cavorting in daylight
Picking bones clean in a frenzy of feathers
The transcendent natives chewing their leathers
And for my next breath I dutifully fight!.
I languish in rags with scratches and scars
The money I saved is somewhere but where!?
Ironic and Rigid I suck in the tepid air
As I listen to screeching tires, relic cars!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Feels like:
lived atop the food chain, life was a blast
a trip of fate, my descent was fast
next & final stop, the grave
cash or deeds I never done, can't save
Came in, lived life all alone
ah!.!.!. I can feel the jackals
at my bones
P!.S!. >>>>>>
stop making me be a better person :}Www@QuestionHome@Com
actually, i really like it!. the crudeness gives it a sort of style that goes well with the words you're saying, like the vultures cavorting and the wolves that are trying to attack you!. it makes the poem almost!.!.!. idk rugged!.
if you want some advice, though, to make it even better, id say work on the rhythm!. it jumps all over the place!. "they sympathize quite crudely" has 7 syllables, while "ironic and rigid i suck in the tepid air" has 13, almost twice as much!. just try to get it more even!.
still, its good!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really like your use of primal diction, like frenzy!. Additionally, I like the phrase "sympathize quite crudely," are the wolves supposed to be 'well wishers,' along with the vultures, people who are like backhandedly sympathizing!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Thanks for offering, but since you consider it still crudely written I'd rather wait to read it until you have had time to re-write and refine itWww@QuestionHome@Com
A view indeed!. You stare a lot madam!. This is close to home, no!?Www@QuestionHome@Com