Opinions desired on my poem through the fog?

Question: Opinions desired on my poem through the fog!?

honest critisim is welcome!. looking to improve my writing

Through the fog

I sit emotionless, numb to it all
Tired of life and ready to fall
Filled with thoughts of death and despair
Curiously wondering why anyone cares
I feel cold and dead then awake and alive
Day after day I continue to strive
Threading through life still unaware
Of the tragic life that continues to stare!.
Of in the distance struggling to see
If life or death will ever be clear to me

Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I feel your were forcing much of the rhymes!. How did you go from Emotionless, numb, dead!.!. to awake and alive!? I am interested in that portion of the journey too!. Perhaps it would bring some balance and continuity to the poem!.

I don't leave this poem wondering what is going to happen to you, or really caring why you feel this way!. It just feels like another board individual, a person with out motivation, desire, or a real direction!. (Speaking only of the feeling I get from the poem, I don't know you, you are probably alive with action)!.

Keep working, this is an average 6th graders poem from where I sit

Www@QuestionHome@Com