Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> A poem, would like serious critiques?


Question: A poem, would like serious critiques!?
Twisted Trail

Given a twisted trail to tread,
A rope-like thing thrown wild
To check a capricious pace!.
Forest shadow; foresight obscured!.
Distant, luring sunflower field ,

Beyond reach,
Beyond reach!.

Quivering trees harbor old broken crows
Screeching enigmatic mockery,
Hastening my step on the trodden course!.
Brief glance of a deer's tranquil stance,

Beyond reach,
Beyond reach!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The first three lines are tongue twisters and surely not meant to be read aloud except humorously!.

Forest shadow; foresight obscured!. -non sequitor
Distant, luring sunflower field , - I am not lured, I am confused!.

Beyond reach,
Beyond reach!. - A weak line repeated twice is the death of poesy!.

Quivering trees harbor old broken crows - Now you are just playing with the thesaurus, you don't mean these words; insincere!.
Screeching enigmatic mockery, - you mean monkeys; insincere!.
Hastening my step on the trodden course!. -archaic fakery isn't poetry
Brief glance of a deer's tranquil stance, -oh horrible, what a wretched internal rhyme

Beyond reach, -Beyond hope!.
Beyond reach!. -Beyond hope!.

The whole thing is pedantic and accidentally humorous!. Say something you MEAN and condense it into poetry!. Don't stretch a hackneyed idea into an exercise!. I think you meant to tell a story here but got lost in playing at poet!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Ok this part
A rope-like thing thrown wild
To check a capricious pace!.

The rope like thing thrown wild seems left behind by the next line!. Feels lacking!. Although i love the word capricious and pace!.


I liked this part
Quivering trees harbor old broken crows
Screeching enigmatic mockery,
Hastening my step on the trodden course!.
Brief glance of a deer's tranquil stance,

You keep the pattern of C's in all the endings where as in the first part it's a bit wild like the rope thing and left behind!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Nice!. I know, I know, people always comment on poetry questions and say "OMG, it's so good!" But this really is!. Dream-like!. Take it and run with it, good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It was a little disjointed for me!. I would have liked it to be knotier and tied together!.Www@QuestionHome@Com