The Glass Image - What do you think?

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Question:

I was just looking for some honest feedback about a poem I wrote about 2 years ago!. It came to me an instant, and it's the only poem of mine that I have really loved!. I just wanted to know what others thought of it!.

"The Glass Image"

The melodramatic feeling
of nothing
unconcerning,
unlike the soul!.
I wish to one day
that dreams
will not fade,
but imprint
into the back
of my mind!.
So eccentric
are she,
but not acknowledged
is her!.
I am yet
to hang from
up there
or to
immerse!.
So look
for all those times
you didn't,
as I gasp
for air!.
So choke
on unspoken words
and watch
the raw edges
of that hole
in my heart
never heal!.
She waits
for her soul
to be stolen
and her body
to be thrown
in the abyss
of invisibility!.
Or is she
already there!? Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Extraordinary! Being able to express yourself through writing isn't difficult, what's difficult is when you decide to become an actual writer and set yourself apart from the others!. Anyone can put some words on paper and even make it rhyme, but can you take a person away with what you write!? Can you pull a person from where they are into your world with your words and make them feel what you feel!? I felt what you felt here, you put my mind in that place and I really enjoyed what you wrote and strongly feel you should keep writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I enjoyed it, but it lacked fluidity! It was difficult to read having to jump down lines like that when it could have been written with almost sentences, maybe you will reconsider your syntax structure!?Www@QuestionHome@Com