Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> One last poem. Feedback appreciated.?


Question: One last poem!. Feedback appreciated!.!?
-Shattered Reality-

It was snowing outside
The night reality shattered
But I was warm inside
Before my reality shattered
The opening line of "La Bohème"
Circled thru my mind
"Que ton visage est doux entourè
Par la lumière de la lune!."
It states!. I think how it fits you so
I tell a friend how much I care
For like the billionth time that day
She responds with, "Get it thru
Your thick skull, man, she doesn't care
For you!. I'm sorry but you have to hear it
Sometime!." Dumbfounded I sit
Reality is shattered
Can it be true!?
Is there life without you!?
Is it possible!?
Even conceivable!?
It should- shall- not be
Life would be Hell in the true
If reality existed without you
Alas, it must be Hell
I respect the choice
Though I'll long for your voice
With a Shattered Reality
I'll stumble thru this world
Looking for a new one
It'd ease my trip just to be
Your friend and shoulder
After all, that's why I live in Boulder
There is something I no longer fear to say
That is I love you with each passing day
And always will, if even only as a friend
Death may find me
But I shall fight
To keep you in sight
And that day will be
All will open their eyes
And see a world
Where only Love is
On that day all will see
How much I care for thee
That is all, this is the end
Hope to see you soon my friend


-4/9/03
Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
When I encounter things like the phrase in French (which is fine,) followed by "It states" which is dreck, I frankly stopped reading!. It reminds me of a line from a Stephen King novel!. His 15 year old character says "I didn't have a modus vivendi for life!." Either you are sophisticated enough to use a foreign line in your writing or you are daft enough to start a line "It states (period)" You can't be that dumb and that smart at the same time, okay!?

[The trouble with the Stephen King line, in case you didn't see it, is that modus vivendi means "motive for (or way of) life" so to say "modus vivendi for life" is horribly redundant!. Eerily similar to announcing you just made a quote in a poem!.]Www@QuestionHome@Com