Position:Home>Poetry> Critque my poem!!!!!
Question: Critque my poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.!.!.
sitting alone crying
wishing that you were never dying
waiting in the emergency room
reminiscing of what happened
written blood on walls
an open cut in you heart
wondering who could have done such a thing
as time passes by the doctors come
with blood on their hands and shirts
they stare at me for a moment
and then ''he is dead''
i bow my head and slowly walk out the room
my feelings change
the way i live now is different
i wish i could go back and prevent this from happening
i make my way home
i sit on my bed with my hands covering my face
i think for a while
then i stand and walk slowly to the kitchen
i grab a pen and a knife
i wrote 2 letters
one for my friends, another for my family
i tell them i love them
and i will see you soon
as i take my final breaths i slowly start cutting my wrists
only wishing the pain would feel so much similar as my friends pain
the last seconds i drop
forever sleeping
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Needs a little work, imho, but it's a start!. I can't tell you what to do with it, you work it out!. It's just doesn't seem depressing enough!. Needs a bit more despair as well!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Ah!!! my god! Do you call that **** a poem!? No way!. It's too direct and lacks artsy!. The things you could improve are!.!.!.your diction (too simple and "shallow"), your voicing, your expression of thoughts (It's very direct, I felt I was reading about a daily conversation)!. The theme!.!.!.well please try to write abot different things, why does everybody write about these depressing emo garb*ge!? Be creative!.
Sorry, this is how I'd rate it: 0!.25/10
LulleWww@QuestionHome@Com
oh wow, i would consider this a song!.
this is so beautiful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i have to say it's a bit dull!.
too straightforward, plain and forgettable
that the mood just doesn't come through!.Www@QuestionHome@Com