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Question: 10 pts!.!.!.what do you think of my poem!?
10 pts for best critique!.

Christine


The road disrupts me
as the sun in a dream,
My desires are real,
Even if I am asleep,
Maybe I can see you
tonight if I believe!.

Perpetual rain ahead
clashing the street,
I never heard you say
it would be so easy,
But I never thought
it'll be hard for me!.

Here not in control,
With my hand to steer,
Nearby the road twists
mirroring how I feel,
The windshield's fogged
Hiding what is real!.

I am tempted to stop
at every exit sign,
Never doing so because
a voice still reminds
of moments, and hopes
of repeated times!.

Tonight these dreams
true as they're shown,
I wish you've told me
and I would've known,
But dreaming is tiring
and I want to go home!.


**My intended message is about a guy who chases after this girl, but only has her in his dreams**Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Yes, I agree, your rhyming seems too forced!. It would be perfectly good without rhyming, of course!. Your stanzas are clean, and your flow is wonderful!. The first stanza is a bit confusing to the reader!. Saying that the road disrupts you, like a sun in a dream!. Which to me means that you are wakened by the sun, its disturbing you, like the road!. And then you go on to say, you are asleep!. And it tripped me up there!. With polishing, this could be lovely, your imagery is fantastic!. And I can feel real emotion, which is the most important part of any poetry, or any art!. Stay strong!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Parts are good, but the lyrics of the poem get a bit confusing!. It's fine after the exit signs part!. Delete words here and there like tonight if I believe!. Make it tonight when I believe!. This is because the guy is dreaming about the girl!.!.so he should be(not!.!.if he maybe sort of wants to not really dreams)!. A lot of stanzas sound wordy

Overall!.!.its pretty good!.!.just remember to focus with what you are trying to say!.!.like the message of the story!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it
other than that i pretty much hate itWww@QuestionHome@Com

great words!.but it needs not to be so dull!.like put something exciting in it!.i really like it!.pnce you make it more exciting you should submit it to teen magazines or poem books!.hope i helped!thx!Www@QuestionHome@Com

it seems so real and the plot of it is such a smart idea!. it was an amazing poem i think you should write more!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's not bad, you can understand what you mean in the poem but maybe find a way to make it less wordy!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

Good work; although it come across as if you are trying too hard to rhyme!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's pretty good!. I really like your imagery, but there isn't much meter/rhythm!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

pretty horribleWww@QuestionHome@Com

sorry ,on a scale of 1-10 i give it a 5!.!.no rhyme or rhythm here!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

on a scale of 1-10 6Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow, its really deep and i can actually feel it!Www@QuestionHome@Com

its OKWww@QuestionHome@Com

omg this poem is greatWww@QuestionHome@Com