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Question: Can someonen help me with this poem!?
I am struggling with it, tell me what you think please!?
Irreparable
You were thought,
traversing every realm of sky, from blade of grass,
upward high on ropes of rays,
with cupped hands and squinting eyes
through the long parade of dust and particle!.
I held on tight, made it to heaven by night, and
bathed in every bath of a star,
from the bar of a balcony
and a tunnel of light!.
You carried me on ambience, your needle against the spinning vinyl,
a routine lullaby-
I was the nerve that sorted through matter, the glass which trapped the sun,
and caught your secrets
In a pale prism hung, diligently on strings!.
Words were unnecessary,
delicate as the ash of a comet’s tail
in a world unscathed!.
Secrets were sacred!.
The unspeakable was when synapses fired, flickered, and fell
against the crumpled matter by which you traveled!.
When the roads that lead to you flooded,
choked-
You became the unremembered, a temporal plane sitting in your absence;
The flattened , epileptic lines of a nervous needle,
Sketching you--
You, a scarred tissue with no burial!.
One day I’ll remember you in the stream of things,
Unwittingly, upon the stars and strings, and notes on which we played!.
I’ll hold on tight, and then let go-
leaving you to the laws of physics, as I crouch by the deafening screams of an amp,
Distorted-
Never knowing the number of times upon which you fell and rose again,
Or the same delicate song in the distance that holds you,
Sober, melodic, the universe!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I can't really make it through the poem!. Nothing grabbed me in the beginning!. It feels overindulgent and wasteful!. You used every word you could, as if they didn't matter!. To colorful!. Just because you have it you don't have to use it!. Are you showing us all the words you know or are you telling us something!. I fear the former!.
Simplify, you are loosing your voice because there is to much talking, you are not saying anything!. (I am sure that will be your critique of this review)
I like this part "Words were unnecessary,\delicate as the ash of a comet’s tail\in a world unscathed!.\
Secrets were sacred!."
PRAISE: This is important, once I made it to the end I loved the End!. Starting with "One Day!.!.!." That is a great poem to me!. The last 9 lines!.
EDIT: Guy who said it was deep!. I know everyone likes different things!. What did you find deep!? Not a criticism of you, I would like to hear your viewpoint!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's moving, real!. I
like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!. That's deep!.
Peace,
TTWww@QuestionHome@Com
You don't need help, just applause!. Bravo!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i like it as it is!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I also find I am not sure what it is really about!. I feel sort of lost in your words when reading it!. Try to focus your thought more!. It seems that you've taken the catch-phrase 'show and not tell' to the other extreme!. You are showing us so much but telling us almost nothing!.
However you do write some beautiful lines!.
"I was the nerve that sorted through matter, the glass which trapped the sun,/and caught your secrets/In a pale prism hung,"
"You carried me on ambience, your needle against the spinning vinyl,/a routine lullaby-"
Try to avoid using the same words over and over unless you have a purpose for the repetition!.
I think this poem has the potential to be very good!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
"upward high on ropes of rays,
with cupped hands and squinting eyes
through the long parade of dust and particle!."
i would write: "through the long parade of dust and haze!." or some word similar to dust but rhyming with rays!.
"bathed in every bath of a star,
from the bar of a balcony"
too many b's in these two lines!. it sounds repetitive!. i would write something like "bathed in the tunnel of every star" or "!.!.!.every star's light!." keeping it shorter is sometimes better!. if it gets too longwinded, it loses the effect!.
"You carried me on ambience"
you carried me on "in" ambi"a"nce!? the french variant ends with the same "on" sound!. ambi"e"nce ends like "since!." the "in" might help because it translates!.!.!."you carried me on in feelings!." you can't carry someone on a feeling, but within the feeling!.
"!.!.the spinning vinyl!."
spinning is a bit generic, and considering we're discussing things in a "time and space" fashion, i would go with whirling!. i imagine a galaxy whirling around silently, not spinning!.
"I was the nerve that sorted through matter, the glass which trapped the sun,
and caught your secrets
In a pale prism hung, diligently on strings!."
i would mix it up a bit!. the formation seems a bit rigid!. for example, if you took out the breaks between lines: "i caught your secrets in a pale prism that was hung diligently on strings!."
it sounds a bit like an english excercise, right!?
try: "i was the nerve that sorted through matter; the glass that trapped the sun!. i caught your secrets passing through the prism, pallid and diligently hung!."
pallid versus pale: pallid means deficient of color suggesting emotional distress!. pale means dim or lacking vibrancy!. both can get the point across, but for a poem that clearly is meant to go deep!.!.!.getting just the right word makes a world of difference between a poem you read and a poem you remember!. ;]
"The unspeakable was when synapses fired, flickered, and fell
against the crumpled matter by which you traveled!."
try: "the unspeakable happened!. synapses fired, flickered, and fell against the crumpled matter by which you traveled!."
alright, i'm done for now!. let me know if any of that was helpful!. good luck with the rest!. :]Www@QuestionHome@Com