Position:Home>Poetry> What do you think of this poem? any advice or suggestions ?
Question: What do you think of this poem!? any advice or suggestions !?
i gave an gave
you took an took
yet some how
its all my fault
treated you like a princess
thought you were the best
thought you be the one
yet you kept things away
little details hidden
you played mind games
so i did too
i know
2 wrongs dont make a right
but they make us even
al the words spoken
were always from the heart
just to settle the score
u gave up n left
i never walked away
i just stop chasing
a dream that could never be true
any advice or or suggestions would be good i wrote this alittle while back an just wondering how i could make it betterWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is a gift to you 'cause I've been there too man!.!.!.
LOVE IS GIVE AND TAKE
I gave and gave
You took an took
I saved and saved
You hooked and hooked
I know I know
I dream I dream
You go you go
You're mean you're mean
My fault my fault
My bad my bad
I called I called
You sad you sad
You say you say
I see I see
The way the way
To be to be
CHORUS
I treated you like a princess
I thought you were the best
But you wanna break the rules
You were my one and only
And now you're leaving me lonely
Love is a game of push and pull
You're hot You're hot
You're cold you're cold
Won't do won't do
What you're told
You play you play
Mind games mind games
Something something
Must change
I know
BRIDGE
Two wrongs two wrongs
Don't make a right
But it can make us even
Words are spoken
From the heart
Why do we need a reason!?
GUITAR SOLO
CHORUS
I treated you like a princess
I thought you were the best
But you wanna break the rules
You were my one and only
And now you're leaving me lonely
Love is a game of push and pullWww@QuestionHome@Com
Hi, I'm sixteen please don't judge me!.
This poem is amazing! I love it because it's so meaningful and ultimately true!. I love the whole poem and I don't think you should revised it because it's perfect the way it is!!
KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!
- Amanda!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i like the poem alot,but in my oppinion i think it shud be a song!.!.!.i know thats prolly not the answer your looking for but it wud be a great song!!!, Www@QuestionHome@Com
that is really a good poem i think like lulu that this will be a great song!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
ooooh i like it!Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is good david
and thanks for adding me as your contactWww@QuestionHome@Com
I think that the 1st thing is to give it a title to ease referencing it in the future!.
I like the 4 last lines!. change stop to stopped, and work over the rhythm of the last line, something like:
I just stopped chasing
The dreams of every day
*The opening (start) of the verse was weak by repetition ( gave & gave, took & took)!. It 'd 'v been more meaningful to say something like :
I hid nothing from you
All I had was yours!.!. etc
also words like: SOMEHOW , and THOUGHT weaken the flow, it reflects indecision and reluctance!.
*You have two good lines there : two wrongs!.!.!.!.even!.
*Never mind the rhyming!.
*I can feel that U have a talent waving in the horizon of lyrics, especially love songs w/ a more complex treatment of the theme!. Just hang on there and keep on writing!. Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com