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Question: Would you like to review and critique my first attempt at a Partenza Represa, a form by Dawn Slanker!?
Partenza Represa
a form developed by Dawn Slanker

*****

GOING IN THROUGH THE OUT DOOR,
I MISSED THE SIGN MARKED “ENTER
AT YOUR WON RISK!.”

I sweep the floor between the doors,
between the doors, a metaphor,
a metaphor you will deplore,
deplore as you have not before,

And through a glass some sand will pass,
will pass for prayer in Easter mass,
in Easter mass the priest’s contrast,
contrast a God with man’s bombast,

Man’s bombast kicked up by brooms,
by brooms meant to dust out the room,
the room where ghosts and spirits loom,
and spirits loom from womb to tomb…

*****
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The poem clearly illustrates that no more work is needed to "get the hang of it!."

The metaphorical broom sweeps poetically through that room!. Spyfyr wants eight beats in every line; you missed it by a beat just twice, but it is scarcely noticeable until a search is made!.

Another of your creative titles!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

TD,

Man you are a damn genius! I love this mirrored imaged style!. You didn't trap yourself into being a slave to the rhyme by simply plotting out the way before you open the door to our understanding! Superlative in it's cacophony of sheer pureness!. Thank you for a fresh idea in writing because you stretch the envelope of boldness and innovation!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This was fantastic, TD!.!.!.thought-provoking, intriguing!.!.!.

Near the beginning, you state "I sweep the floor" and then, near the end, "by brooms meant to dust out the room!.!."!. But the last line "and spirits loom from womb to tomb"!. Absolutely sensational!.

I'm even finding it difficult to describe what I think and how I feel about this because the thoughts and feelings run deeply!.

Then you add that you are going to work on this style until you get the hang of it!. If it gets any better than this, PLEASE post any and all of your future works!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Superb! Top notch!.

One pedantic Jellz moment (please excuse the intrusion) Transition V2-V3 continues the pattern (Man's Bombast) yet from V1 to V2 does not (from "not before" to "and through") Simplest perhaps to change the 2 first words V3 (no ideas to what from me, sorry)

DS, u guru legend u !Www@QuestionHome@Com

If I am getting this right you take the last word or words and then use them to start the next line, so on and so forth!. That cannot be easy and you did an excellent job!. That goes without saying, you are a bit of a celebrity on here with your poetry/ I love the last two lines!. So haunting!. A strong workWww@QuestionHome@Com

OMGosh, I think I must have died and gone to heaven!. Thank you, TD, I do believe that you already have the hang of it and I think it's great!.!.!.that final line is awesome!. I'm glad you like the form!. I can go to bed a happy girl!. *blushing and beaming* :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

"Hi!",

Brilliantly done, highly creative!.
You did very well at this, I never actually saw Dawn's!.
I love the idea of taking the last words within a sentence and reuse them to form the beginning of a new one!.

WELL DONE!
Cheers : )Www@QuestionHome@Com

This totally kicks Dr!. Seuss' butt!. Very clever!.

At this point, what with your proverbs and converbs, quintains and trifectas, I would be thrilled for a simple variation on Roses are red, violets are blue!. Just kidding!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

You do have the hang of it , just wonderful and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this ! You have mastered the art! You are amazing, truly this IS the way I feel! You are my man hero!Thanks for sharing! Cheers!Www@QuestionHome@Com

That's a cool poem regardless of form TD, but the form that Dawn developed is great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I love this! The rhythm of it fairly sings!.!.!.!. a haunting melody on wings of wind and string, in a minor key!. Inspired!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Great!.!.!.!.The bar just got higher!.!.Jump boys and girls !.!.!.JUMPWww@QuestionHome@Com