Position:Home>Poetry> Would anyone care to critique or comment on this poem?
Question: Would anyone care to critique or comment on this poem!?
Big Girl
With tiny little hands,
barely able to grab ‘round the knob,
she stretches and tippy toes with all her height;
finally succeeding in opening the door
to sneak down the hall,
all two and a half feet of her!.
Skidding across the hardwood floors
in footed pajamas,
night terrors await in darkened hallways
and staircases but she is determined
to do it this time all by herself!.
Finally reaching the landing,
she slips and slides from each step
until she reaches bottom!.
Gingerly continuing her midnight adventure,
favorite blanket dragging behind,
she shuffles off for the kitchen
straight to the refrigerator
for some milk and cookies!.
Her loyal, comforting friends
through all manner of boo boo’s,
and assorted troubles of the day;
mommy must have forgotten
all about her need for them,
for hugs, together time and stories too!.
But she’ll be proud tomorrow
that she can take care of herself;
mommy’s “big girl” trying not to need
someone who isn’t there anymore!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
What a great picture! Well done!. I can always find suggestions but really, this is good work!. The ending is just dark enough, and suggestive enough to give us a good chill!. If I were looking at revision here, I would consider trying to create something of those "night terrors" rather than just telling us they are there!. and I find a little rhythmic "bump"at the end of line 13!. You might think of "she slips and slides from step to step" to smooth that!. Not a biggie anyway!.
Keep writing, and I wonder what you are doing with your work!. You should be submitting it!. Email me if you want suggestions for finding possible venues!. Be well!.
Remember all critique is opinion, this is mine!. You can use it, lose it or give it to Goodwill!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
A beautiful ode to your daughter, or perhaps grand daughter!. I could see the images appear as I read along!. I know oh too well that look of determination!. What I envy now, is that light in their eyes!.!.!.
This reminds me that, time passes too quickly!.!.
Much love always,
TemariWww@QuestionHome@Com
Lovely poem of a toddler, you painted the picture to view! The ending
was a surprise to me, (that's rare) Did not expect it to be bitter/sweet!.
Kudos
Www@QuestionHome@Com
The reality of it is so sad!. It is a very good poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow that's actually really good, you should show it to your daughter when shes olderWww@QuestionHome@Com
lol that is really cute!.!.!.yes i am girl and am going to use that word :D!.!.!.it was really sweet!. Great job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think you have the elements of a good poem!.
However, the heart of poetry is brevity, and the "art" of poetry is saying as much as you can with the fewest words that fitwithin the meter and rhythm to onvey the image you want!.
your opening stanza, is not easy to "scan", because there are so mnay xtra words that intrrupt the meter and rhythmn but add nothing to the imagery: Trim the exposition to its basic poetic elements!.
For example ( a suggestion only) it could be far easier to "scan" and more lyrical by removing some of the extraneous words that interrupt the flow, something like:
Tiny hands, barely grasping
round the knob she stretches,
and tippy-toed, with all her might,
opens the door!.
That may not be what you wanted to convey, but it does have a more consistent meter and a more concise rhythm, which is the essence of poetry, even with blank verse!.
By removing the long and difficult phrase of "barely able to grasp" to "barely grasping" which says the same thing, you allow the "music" of the words to come through!. In poetry, "less is more"!.
You have all the elements, but need to trim and edit your poem down to essentials; always thinking about how it "scans" poetically!.Www@QuestionHome@Com