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Position:Home>Poetry> I need advice if this poem is bad?Question: I need advice if this poem is bad!? On the small hill, lay,
Looking at the sky The hill down to earth, The sky way out Things of this earth, like the tide From birth, move along the shore Waters of ground Controlled by the moon Moon that night, no free will False windmill Powered by gears, not wind Working gears, no free will One has to ask, them self If blame is always on above, Will anything be done!? One has to ask, them self When they will leave the excuses And take responsibility Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: ok "that night no free will "didnt click in my head right !.!.!.no fluidity to the way that is added at the end of some rather beautiful imagery!. i dont really like the use of "false windmill" perhaps another phrase could help that line !.!.!.i get the gears no will ,powered like a robot emotionless ,but false !? that word didnt fit for me!. "always on above " perhaps if you take a godly stance you couldve said :"from above " that'd make more sense and add to the element of forces of heaven from above !. no comma needed between :"one has to ask themself" as it may flow more naturally if left out!. ok negative out of the way now to what i did like!. i loved most of your descriptive language ,it was strong and painted a clear image of what your message was [the ability to face up to what we do rather than deny it ]!. its a great poem just work on your language [dont overuse it!.!.!.a little is enough !.!.!.!.not too much you will lose the reader but not too little as it will seem dissolved and uninteresting]!. i wish you goodluck and if you redo it post it again :) [btw i understand if you think what can i really have to say thats serious because i dont use my capitals ,punctuation ,etc, in my posts i just cant be bothered at the end of a long day of school or work to -but i do know how to ] Www@QuestionHome@Com I can't quite figure out your point is this a poem about free-will and being controlled or the earth any way its good but lacks a certian rythm the sort of thing that makes you think poem and envokes an emotion!.!.!.but keep working you'll get it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com it is pretty good!.but in the presentation in poem form it shoud have more clanity!.in its form also it requires betterment!.h'ever the thought is praise worthy!.u have a luck of getting good thoughts!.develop the knack and art of presentation also!.keep on trying!.!.wish u luckWww@QuestionHome@Com I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I really don't quite see what you're trying to say in this poem!. Although some lines are good ,it needs a lot of work!. Www@QuestionHome@Com waters controlled by the moon!?!.!.!.writing a poem doesn't meen writing bull that u think sounds good too gether!.!.so i thought it was pointlessWww@QuestionHome@Com It sounds like Jibberish sorryWww@QuestionHome@Com Lacks cadenceWww@QuestionHome@Com its pretty good i could read that everyday and not get bored of it good luckWww@QuestionHome@Com thought is there!.!.i got it!.!. :PWww@QuestionHome@Com don't listen to the haters!. look up language poetry ;)Www@QuestionHome@Com |