Position:Home>Poetry> Here is a poem I wrote, can you please tell me what you think? it is rather impo
Question: Here is a poem I wrote, can you please tell me what you think!? it is rather important to me
If you hate it please tell me why
If you like it please tell me why
I built my house upon the sand
I built my house upon the sand on the beach shore
I couldn’t see ahead to the fate that becomes poor
I couldn’t see the waves crashing down
I put my fate in the hands of the untrustworthy
But I couldn’t see it would be the hands
By which I would drown
I built my house upon the sand
I built my house out of this sand
This pure white sand
The sound of the devils advocates
Whispering in my ear
There is nothing to fear
The ocean is a controllable beast
Upon your house it shall not feast
They were liars
But that I could not see
I was blinded by ignorance
Blinded by what I thought should be
As the water now fills my lungs
My warning to you is
Only this
Do not build house upon the sand
Build it upon the stone
On which generations had stood
Build it upon the stone
That could
Never move
It is your corner stone
It is your only hope
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
sounds deep i like the whole repeating thing you've got going!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's pretty confusing, a little more punctuation, more adjectives!.
But other than that, it was pretty good!. Like, it wasn't fantabulous, but it's a good start!. Work on it a little more, and it'll probably be great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It paints an interesting moody picture!. You should take a look and edit it!. Some places are too wordy!. Work on lines 2,3 and 5!. I like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like they way you put this together, keep it up!
:)Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow thats really good ! Www@QuestionHome@Com
poweful i enjoyed it!. (i love poetry!.)Www@QuestionHome@Com
yeah, its nice!.!.!.but a poem doesnt need to rhyme always!.!.!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
I agree look at lines 2,3, and 5 because they are more wordy than the rest of the poem thus making the stylistic choices seem less cohesive!. also, i don't like the choice of the phrase "the fate that would be poor" in line 2!. maybe another word other than poor that doesn't sound as if youre trying too hard to make it rhyme!?
I would also look at the second to last line!. I don't like how you said "it is your corner stone" because it's like you are saying "[the house built on stone] is your corner stone!." To me, it just sounds repetitive, and a bit awkward!.
but i love the images of the sand and stone and ocean that you utilize - i can really picture what you are saying and the emotion you are feeling!.
I honestly really adore this poem!. Keep writing, PLEASE!Www@QuestionHome@Com