Do you like this poem? HONESTY WELCOMED

Question: Do you like this poem!? HONESTY WELCOMED

Life is just a mirage; a phase, a maze, most of the time I feel I’m in a daze!.

It amazes me how surreal this life is!.

In reality I am here today, but I could be gone tomorrow!.

I`m hopping over clouds today, but tomorrow I`ll be filled with sorrow!.

Life never ceases to amaze me!.

You don`t see me but you feel me!.

You don`t hear my sounds but you read me!.

You amaze me!.

Do I amaze you!?

08/09/08 Maria SantiagoWww@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Hey m2!.!.!.I hope you don't mind!.!.!.Your show my flow!. Peace,R

Life a mirage tricks me
Surreal views that I see
Amazed
Dazed I travel on
This phase in time
Up down round & round
Climbing clouds
Sun drenched hills
Sliding down inner ills
And I land
Stunned
In awe I open up to
Sights and sounds
That abound

Then there's you
Are you with me!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think you could tighten it up with the removal of words such as "just a" leaving
Life is a mirage
a maze
I'm in a daze!.
Here I am,
but tomorrow
is (your words)!.

also at then end -- perhaps different words than amaze, which is now used four times in the poem -- the word has become redundant -- but finding a new word for three of the amazes would add strength!.
IMO
T!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

"Hi",
That is a beautiful poem!. You really display a lot of meaning into your poems!.great imagery like (hopping over clouds)!.
Again a splendid effort!. I saw earlier Tori's layout and Idea which is a valued and great tip!.

WELL DONE!
Cheers : )

P!.S: Hydropro done excellent too! : )Www@QuestionHome@Com

im not really into poems but seriously the first line just caught me i had to keep reading lol!. its a deep poem in some way because i can kinda relate to where you going at with it!.!.!. its good real good i like it (again im not a poem person so yea its pretty tight lol)Www@QuestionHome@Com

My critique--No honestly--needs some more work!. The word "you" is repeated alot!. The stanza jumps from 3rd person to first person!. Try using a thesaurus-- to get words in there that catches the eye of the reader!.
I admire your boldness to accept critisism!.
Good Luck on your poetry! Www@QuestionHome@Com

me want to know what about life so amazing!? me think you say " noun is" to much!. honesty is free from me!. you need to not be afraid to make good point!. pomes mean risk and this not risk enough yet!. you good riter!. go rite more!. Www@QuestionHome@Com

Excellent, I can feel you threw this poem, I feel the same way right now, what makes a great poet is the ability to express yourself in an artistic form!. Thanks for this man,good stuff Www@QuestionHome@Com

its alright!.
the beginnings slightly redundant!.
work on using different, less cliche phrases and you've got yourseld quite the work of art!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Simple in approach, but lyrical in layout!. Your words flow well in spoken recital!. This would do well at a poetry jam!. My compliments!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Hmm, it's okay!.

You should try posting your poetry on allpoetry!.com!.!.!.people will actually critique it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's wonderful! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

*claps*Www@QuestionHome@Com

the first line needs to be changed!. it doesn't flow right!. but otherwise its pretty great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

It makes me feel good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really like like it!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

yes well put together!. keep up the good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

yeahWww@QuestionHome@Com

i like itWww@QuestionHome@Com

wow!.
that's really good!
i am being very honest!

Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like it!.

But try not to use 'I' too much!.

=]Www@QuestionHome@Com