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Question: I am a novice at poetry!. I would appreciate some comments please!?
I thought of you, yet again today, my love,
though I knew I shouldn’t, you were on my mind!.
I’d made a promise, to myself, yes to you as well,
I would focus rather than dream, truth is, I just couldn’t!.
All those comfortable feelings for you surfaced again,
as well as some, so intense, brand new, crowded in!.
Desires, wants, needs, quite unbidden, unsummoned,
flooded back, till I was again, just thinking of you!.
Today was unlike the day I’d left without a goodbye,
a mind numbing, tear blinded confusion, many years before!.
Now we have spoken of our love, honestly, how we feel,
thus today I was missing you, very much more than before!.
Emotions hit me so hard, so fully, eyes clouded with tears,
ragged choked voice, intense longing, more than I am used to!.
Though I knew I shouldn’t, you were on my mind,
I thought of you again today, my love!.
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Hello,
This would be a wonderful letter to write someone that you care about!. It is touching, and it flows smoothly!. As a poem though you may want to consider thinking about some general ideas!.
You need a stronger way to open, a more compelling line!.
I like the conversational tone, but look into keeping it while still condensing some of your word choices!.
But the main thing you need to consider beyond all of that is to draw out the emotional experience of the poem more!. You need more concrete imagery to draw the reader in!. This is what I want to spend some time focusing on!.
All those comfortable feelings for you surfaced again,
as well as some, so intense, brand new, crowded in!.
Desires, wants, needs, quite unbidden, unsummoned,
flooded back, till I was again, just thinking of you!.
Do you see how inaccessible this is to the reader!? How abstract!? Comfortable feelings (what are those!?, etc)!. Look into adding more concrete imagery here to draw the experience out!. I think you can find other examples!. This change is what will make the poem fresh, and that is very difficult with love poems!.
Emotions hit me so hard
I would consider cutting phrases like that!. Let's look at that first two lines of that section for a bit!. I'm going to cut out the abstract parts and I want you to look at it!. This isn't a rewrite suggestion just a way to look at the bones and draw ideas from:
Here's the original
Emotions hit me so hard, so fully, eyes clouded with tears,
ragged choked voice, intense longing, more than I am used to!.
Here are the core images!.
eyes clouded with tears,
ragged choked voice,
Clouded with tears could be improved upon made less common!. Ragged choked voice though is a good way to give a concrete image that speaks to intense longing without having to say it!.
I think I've given you enough for now to think about!. I know tone doesn't really convey on the Internet, but I want you to know I'm not approaching this in a harsh condescending way!. I really just hope this was helpful and that the work will improve to your satisfaction!.
Todd
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Your emotions are evident, and you tie together with the ending!. The challenge with a love poem is to make it original as this genre has been over saturated!. You also have some cliches inserted, probably unintentional, but ones that will detract the reader!. This overall, is a great start!. Challenge yourself now by using poetic devices such as metaphors to restate the emotions!. Great poems take time and editing to make them sing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
hmmm!.!.!.it's actually quite good!
Keep writing and reviewing your own work and you will be able to turn into a great poet!.
Keep it up!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Its a bit cliche, I would go more raw with it, make it less pretty if you know what I mean-It has promiseWww@QuestionHome@Com
I don't know much about poetry, but I loved itWww@QuestionHome@Com