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Question: Can some one please tell me what they think of this poem
hi, i wrote this poem while i was struggling with a horrible addiction, please be honest and give me your opinion, thanks!. also just like to add that im 3 years clean now, so feel free to be honest!.
i push it in and hit the vein, the excitement is too much
i take a breath, begin to shake and plunge into the rush
my road to god, its heaven sent, nothing can compare
you cant steal this away from me, its mine and thats not fair
complete and total abandonment, my body mis on fire
another shot is all i crave i know i can get higher
the needle pierces through my skin, the drug enters my vein,
every nerves alive now, seeing is a strain!.
its hard to see and i dont care, im slippery wet, i know your there
every touch, caress and kiss, mnakes me feel alive
when were done im comming down im not ready for the dive
aanother point, please just one
ill be your packety, ill let you come
im scattered now and cant think straight, to rob next door is all it'd take
theres voices now and ppl too, there following me i think its you
3 days later i fall asleep, drug induced it feels so sweet
hours later i come to, open my eyes and i see you
cleanies in one hand, packet in the other, i roll over and become your lover
i really dont care what i do i just want that precious point from you
i put my arm out all in haste, i dont get wasted im just a wasteWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The poem shows the insight only known by someone who's been addicted!.!.!.many "think" they know, but sometimes it takes someone who's been there to really "know" what it's like!.
As far as spelling and grammar, it needs work!. "I", not "i", "God" is capitalized, "it's" means "it is", and "its" means something that belongs to "it"!.!.!.it's a common mistake, just be aware of the difference!. I think "mis" and "mnakes" were typos!.!.!."I'm", not "im" and "were" is not the same as "we're"!.!.!.again, the apostrophe is a place holder for letters omitted because of the contraction!.!.!.so "we are" becomes "we're"!.!.!."there is" becomes "there's", "cannot" becomes "can't", etc!. Unless you submitted this by text message on your phone, you should use full words, like "people" instead of "ppl"!. The number 3 stands out!.!.!.not in a good way!.!.!.although it's optional, I'd suggest just spelling it out (it's only a few more keystrokes)!.
I know this sounds picky, and if you had simply read the poem we wouldn't have noticed!.!.!.but you wanted an honest critique, and since you "wrote" down the poem, those errors distract the reader and thus take away from an otherwise good poem!. Your lines are rhymed couplets, but they are so long you actually sound fairly good!.!.!.and that's a difficult thing to do!. Your last two lines are actually a pair of couplets strung out!.!.!.but they work well enough because they come at the end and act like punchlines!. They would not have worked so well if they were in the middle of the poem!.!.!.but where they are, they're fine!.
Good concept, good insight, honest writing!.!.!.just clean it up and it will be fine!.!.!.keep writing!.!.!.and congratulations on being clean for three years!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
that sounds a really depressing, i hope you dont really feel that way about yourself!.you could use some of your talent and make some happy poems, i'm sure they would sound better Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's a pretty powerful poem and oh so damned sad!. I am SO GLAD you got free of your addiction!.
You're right at the end !. !. !. !. !. !. !.what a waste of a good life!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!. That was a really good poem!.
Your words are strung together really well, and you have great structure!. Your words have drawn an image for readers to take an interest in!. Nicely done!
My only advice is to improve some of the grammar mistakes and fix some of the lines!. For example, that last line doesn't really seem to make much sense!.
Loved your poem!. Write some more! =DWww@QuestionHome@Com