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Question: The lights are coming-The end has come--Thoughts!?
Sorry guys, I usually keep three different versions and I posted the wrong one earlier
Train Station
Goodbye my love
The train is coming
I would like to stay
Yet I find myself running
Blow your kisses my dear
Pale sweetheart, I’m leaving
No longer bound tight
To the web you were weaving
My hand rises up
As I turn to see
A devil is waving
Her hand back at me
My feet touch the steps
As I look to the sky
A moment of hesitation
Leaves me wondering why
I see your strained face
As I stare from the window
Your figure still stands there
Pleading me not to go
I’ve taken back my life
It is I with the power!
I’m plucking the petals
From loves wilted flower
An end to this chapter
I penned this swan song!
Yet a laugh track starts playing
and suddenly it feels wrong
Pain overwhelms me
I am suddenly jolted
Revelation has hit me
And let me revolted
Bound to the tracks;
I can see the lights coming
All I see is you leaving;
It is you that is running
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Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Beautifully balances the complexity of release from a disappointing and failed relationship with the longing to be part of a fulfilling one!. This carries with it a sense of breaking away that yet does not have an air of complete finality!. Nuanced and shot through with perspectival shifts!. Www@QuestionHome@Com
"Hi!",
I like both versions!. But I think the one you just deleted read and flowed more smoothly!.
L20 (Pleading me not to go) was that altered from your last version!?
That wasn't in the last version was it!?
verse 7
you could take (yet) as well as (and) out!.
An end to this chapter
I penned this swan song!
A laugh track starts playing
suddenly (it) feels wrong
or
An end to this chapter
I penned this swan song!
A laugh track starts playing
suddenly feels wrong!.
These are only my suggestion!. But your last post I could not faultier!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is definitely my kind of poem; I love it!!
This is my favorite line,
"No longer bound tight
To the web you were weaving!."
That is a excellent way of expressing that stuck feeling, that you got me trapped feeling!.
I give you an A+!.
LOL but whom am I!. I am just mom!.of!.2!. Well, this mom!.of!.2 is entitled to her opinion!. I say A+!
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This paints a very vivid picture, I didn't have the opportunity to see the first one , so can't really say which I feel is better, If I come across it I will definitely come back and edit my answers to let you know of my opinion! Cheers!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i think it's got good potentialWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like the universality of the message here!. A lot of us have been in this situation!. We've had the need to just "get out" of a relationship!. A few comments:
In S1-S3, I liked the endearment Pale sweetheart (it made me think of a vampiric parasite)!. I'm wondering if the devil waving back is either the narrator feeling regret for the choice, or perhaps a rival stepping out of the shadows--I'm mixed on the interpretations!. Swan song and bound to the tracks seem a bit overused you may want to rework them--keeping the same content but mising them up a bit!. Pain overwhelms me would be helped by some concrete detail emphasising the specific pain making it less abstract!. I do like the alternating of the person running at the beggining and the end!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Window and go - don't work
And left me revolted - typo
(Picky-picky bit over)
Bound to the tracks!.!.!.!.!.conjures up the image of the old silent movies with the hero strapped to the track!.!.!.!.!.did you want to create this image in our minds!? OR is that what is really happening!.!.!.hm, made me re-think here!. No, that can't be correct - or can it!?
Interesting!.!.!.!.apparently quite a simple piece, but as the youngsters say 'This is deep'!.
The verses are reminiscent of the rhythm of the wheels of a train (intentional!?)
Haven't seen other versions!.Www@QuestionHome@Com