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Question: Tips to make my free verse poem better
Such a foolish girl
I reach out to touch you
but you move and
i fall to ground
like so many times before
I thought you were diferent
but you're the same as every boy
I'm never good enough
and i'll never be
The pain you've caused me
hurts too much to breath
I'm trying to move on
yet i can only think of you
I was a fool to think that this
would work out between us
But all that happened was
that i had another heart break
I needed you so much
and i still do
I don't want to just be friends
but you're mind is already made up
I want one more chance
but i'll never get it
You love someone else
and i mean nothingWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Hello,
Let me give you some tips by using this poem as an example (use what you like ignore the rest)!. There are some typos, which I’m going to ignore!. I mainly want to concentrate on a few larger issues!.
Such a foolish girl (Excellent title!. It draws the reader in)
I reach out to touch you
but you move and
i fall to ground
like so many times before
Notice L4, you use a type of shorthand…”like so many times before” Don’t do that!. You can condense the language and still give specific detail!. Think of specific examples it gives your poem life!.
Let’s skip ahead:
The pain you've caused me
If you ever use an abstract word like pain in a poem, try to ground it with a concrete image!. Pain can be a toothache, an electrocution, etc…give the reader something to connect to!. Do not let the reader simply choose a type of pain!. You need to direct them!. Watch your use of abstractions!.
This is the same advice for this line:
that i had another heart break
Heartbreak is generic be more specific!. Tie it to an image!.
You love someone else
Same with love—add an image be specific!.
Is there more that can help sure there is, but start there and see where it takes you!. I hope some of this was helpful!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
You need some ryming in it becuse it sounds to much like a story a bit!.
And try to change
I needed you so much and i stil I dont want to be just freinds but youre mind is already made up!.
To!.!.!.!.!.
I needed you so much
And forever I will
I want to be so much more to you
But your heart has a lock that i could never break!.
Try thatWww@QuestionHome@Com
It needs a good amount of work!. I disagree with it needing a rhyme, that is the point of free verse, you do not need that!. It does read like a story though, not quite a poem!. The use of "buts" is normally discouraged in poetry!. Many of the sentences just seem to cut off to soon and messes with the flowWww@QuestionHome@Com
good work
Www@QuestionHome@Com