Position:Home>Poetry> A late night poem....please comment?
Question: A late night poem!.!.!.!.please comment!?
david
by jonni f
brother, that i never knew!.
(or even knew i had)
you lived your life alone and cut off!.
what were we to do!?
it seems to me, that you were
the family's shame!.
the skeleton in our closet!.
not spoken of, except in whispers!.
i started dreaming of you when you died,
and in my dreams i never see your face!.
i only know upon waking that the dream was about you!.
i dream you still!.
brother, that i never knew!.!.!.
you are not a shameful secret
i speak of you, out loud
and remember you,
and dream you, still!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
My brother passed in 94'!. I never talked or cared for him very much!.!.!.!.!.Until he was gone!. The biggest loss is the unknown!.!.TYWww@QuestionHome@Com
Someone above said the word "raw" and I think that is about right!. I am not sure what makes me halt when I read this, but I think it's the brevity of the vision!. I don't think it's writing your poem for you to say I'd like to see that dream you mention repeatedly!.
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Brother, that i never knew
I started dreaming of you when you died!.
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This is the beginning of the poem, to me!. I think it gives you free reign to write it in a "dream-like" state!.
I look forward to seeing a revision!. Keep up the good work!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is more like a sentimental letter to the unknown brother!. It gave me a hunch that U can write short stories in a poetic kinda structure!. U have chosen heart touching topic, which U could 'v manipulated better ( like U did in BELLS ON THE TREE!.The line " It seems to me , that U were the family's shame!.!.!. Whisper" is too explicit", I don't think it works as a poem!.I like it, 'v read it many times, each time gives me new picture!.The 2nd time U speak of death as if it was the other face of life!.!. Isn't that Scorpio's merchandise!?Wish the best,and may God bless Ur warm heart :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
This would work well as poetic prose!. Poetry is more than a narrative set in poetic form!. If you can write this as a paragraph, it probably needs more to become a poem!. You tell too much here and leave little to the reader's imagination!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!. I have a grandson that died the day he was born!. I often think of him!. This poem made me think of him!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!. It's raw, but still poetic and has a kind of rhythm to it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You should get it publishedWww@QuestionHome@Com
That is really good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
to be!?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.or not to be !?!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.that is the question!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com