Is this a revision for the better?

Question: Is this a revision for the better!?

Invisible
by C!.S!. Scotkin

Invisible one
destined to be
crux of sorrow,
loss
misery
from your beginning!.

No fault of yours!.
You were
an Innocent
from first
to last!.
You were
never invisible
to me!.

No fault
of ours!.
No power
this side
of heaven
could right
nature’s wrong!.
Numb anger
and tears
hid you!.

You remain
just outside,
peripheral
sweet
glimpse,
that might
have been!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Atta girl!!!
Down to the basic words, and meaning is the same!.
What a strange impression I got!.!.!.!.that this was about Jacque Moliere!.!.!.the last Grand Master of the Templars, burned at the stake for things he never did!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Yes, I believe it to be so!.!.!.!.!.the previous poem seemed to just have individual words strung out with no logic to their placement!.!.!.!.the change is subtle but there (you could take it even further)

No fault of ours!.
No power
this side of heaven
could right nature's wrong!.
Numb anger
and tears
hid you!.

(It does obviously depend upon where YOU want the greatest emphasis to lie, which might be different from my interpretation)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The only difference that I saw was placing wrong on the line with nature's!. This is powerful and could represent a lot of images: miscarriage, a sudden loss of someone young, something pure, destroyed to a wish or dream unfulfilled!. This piece gives much to ponder!. Again, my compliments!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like both, but as brilliant poets like Elyslund, Elaine, and TD will tell you, less is definitely more!. I love the original, and the edit!. Write on!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Min Poe
excellence!.
EWD not!.
Big raps!
Brava!

I hope Yamster has his knitting needles out CS!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I'm really liking S-3!.!.!.overall, very srtong!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like them both, especially the last stanza!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i really like them both!.!.!.rock on!Www@QuestionHome@Com