Question Home

Position:Home>Poetry> Would anyone like to comment?


Question: Would anyone like to comment!?
day 3
by jonni f

Talking with a man today,
that had no arms!.
Telling stories, laughing, flirting
as only old men do!.
I felt him hug me, with his eyes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Jonni F,

This is a complete message on how we should be openly receptive to the afflictions of others!. Jonni, I hope you will give a copy of this haiku to this gentleman just to let him know that he can be thought of in a positive light and that he can still contribute to the spirit and mindset of all who comes in contact with him! Grade AA+Www@QuestionHome@Com

I don't mind that the poem is short!. Some of my favorite poems are much shorter than this one!.

No, the issue for me is the fact that it is a bit one-dimensional!. I understand the scene you set--how the person's lack of physical ability did not hinder him emotionally in reaching out to you!. However, I think there needs to be something more substantive added here!.

Poetry doesn't just describe a moment in time, or a feeling, it ultimately allows us to see something that couldn't be seen on the surface--how a scene actually meant something else!.

What is at issue for you!? What do you want us to take from this!? Is the scene simply a man with a disability flirting, or are we meant to see the way two people connect in an unlikely way!? If it is the latter, then think about other ways in which two people might connect in an unlikely way!.

Maybe the connection isn't unlikely, just unique!. I can't think of good examples for this, but it would take this to another level--one not so narrative!.

Keep after it!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Well, this poem has alot of potential!. Some times, poems are supposed to be short, some long, and some books!. But this one seemed like it could use a little bit more work!. I really like the last line, which in general, was like some poetic pun!. But my suggestion is, describe this distinc character!. Did he give off this comforting ora!? Its these little things that make the poem more interesting to the reader, although the idea of this poem is good, it really dosent grab the readers attention!. Just talks about a guy with no arms!. Go deeper, and get creative!. Thats the beauty of poetry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I liked your poem!. Short and to the point!. You should check out the Haiku poetry form!. This would fit into that form!. I suggest changing the word "that" into "who" in the second line, and take away the period at the end of the fourth line, so that both the third line and last line then applies to "old men!." I have edited poetry in the past!. Hope this helps!. Short poems can be remarkable!. Check out poetic forms and styles of published poets and the greats in your local library or on line!. Keep going!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The best thing about this poem is that it is very short and as such I did not waste much time reading it!. Lets face it, your not exactly Sylvia Plath are you!. I mean great, you met an old man who despite having no arms was still embued with many human qualities and very flexible ductile eyeballs, it would seem!.
It's a verry obvious sentiment expressed in a dull way!. But carry on because you will only get better if you practice!. A course in creative writing might be an idea so that you at least become aware of cliche and learn to avoid it!.
Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

The only thing I might change, in line 2 "he had no arms"
This is very interesting, a story in itself, or it could be expanded as well!. What did you do!?!?!?!?!?!?!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

is this a poem cause if it is it is good if not IDK!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com