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Position:Home>Poetry> What do ya think of this poem I wrote?Question: What do ya think of this poem I wrote!? Breaking Glass
By: Rockstar123 Waves slowly crash on the shore so close to me The sunny sky gleams, so beautifully the water is like glass, smooth and unmoving As I sit in the warm sand that is so soothing As I look out to the sea I know it can show no mercy Dont let it fool you for the relaxing sensation is untrue for a fate I know so well under the glass watch out for what may dwellWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Let's take it line by line: Line 1- Brings you into the poem instantly, however I would change "so close to me" to "at my feet!." It's smoother and still shows that you are close to the waves!. Line 2- Perfect imagery, just get rid of the "so!." Line 3- The water was crashing two seconds ago, and now it's unmoving!? Great line, but not suited to the situation!. Maybe add something like "the world seems to stop and!.!.!." and then insert this line!. Line 4- Again, excellent line, I'm just not a fan of the "so!." Line 5- This is a good line!. Maybe you can trade "look" for a stronger verb such as "gaze" or "stare"!. Line 6- This line is perfect!. It flows and makes sense!. Line 7- This is good; it's saying you can't trust anyone!. Line 8- Great line, it flows and is very psychological!. Line 9- Excellent; adds on to your trust theme!. Line 10- This is a good "warning" for not trusting anyone!. Overall, excellent poem, just a few wording situations at the beginning! Great imagery, good lesson, well-written! =] also, the only reason I offered a lot of criticism is because you have so much potential!. Keep writing, be driven, and always have a purpose!.Www@QuestionHome@Com It's really nice!. I know exactly what you're talking about, I spend a lot of time at a lake, I love those days where it's as calm as glass!. But!.!.!.!. at the beginning, there are waves then!.!.!. all of a sudden there are no waves!. Are they boat waves!? I don't know!. I guess it's possible, weather changes fast! But I still like it!Www@QuestionHome@Com Love it! To make a suggestion though, you kind of contradicted yourself by saying that the waves were crashing on the shore, then going on to say it is unmoving!. Try "smoothly moving" instead!. But who would really notice that!? Great poem! :-)Www@QuestionHome@Com Woah! I love it!. It isnt totally origanal, i have read so many things like this, but you made it your own!. Great job!. =] answer mine please http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I love it and I think it would even make a great song, so keep working on it!. Good-luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com i do some poetry, and i thought that was very truly realistic, and unbelievably beautifulWww@QuestionHome@Com Love it, and love the way you presented it as well! So yes rock-star, you have a winner there! Keep them coming!! Cheers !!Www@QuestionHome@Com it was beautiful i was imagining it nice workWww@QuestionHome@Com awesome use of words! the only thing i would correct is the rhythm of the poem itself!.!.!.but only towards the end!. other than that its beautiful! keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com Your fear is keeping you from true happinessWww@QuestionHome@Com its goodWww@QuestionHome@Com wow its goodWww@QuestionHome@Com |