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Question: I do rewrites to others people works, so now I place myself in the public stockade again for your pleasure!?
I know it's an emo rock lyrical sonnet!. Nobody's perfect! c):{]=
AT YOUR FEET
Save the clowns for another day
Hold the barking hounds at bey
Pound my head against concrete
For your pleasure!.
Severed limbs still reaching out
Entering a world of doubt
Pumped full of lies and deceit
Nothing lasts forever!.!.!.
CHORUS:
Lay me down
At your feet,
Drag me down
To the waters deep
Under the nails
Against the grain,
Lights they shine
To expose my pain
Tell myself to hold all calls
I start to build my lonely walls
A loud twenty-one gun salute
Is wasted again,
A fog lifts over the coming frost
And I can't get my point across
The innocents a sniper shoot
Headstones cold and plain
CHORUS:
Lay me down
At your feet,
Drag me down
To the waters deep
Under the nails
Against the grain,
Lights they shine
To expose my pain
GUITAR SOLOWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is technically quite accomplished, and I am impressed at how loosely you have followed the sonnet form: apparently there are four enjoyably rhymed quatrains and-- not exactly a couplet!.
Since you mention rewriting, I would consider changing line seven to:
Pumped full of lies, lies and deceit!.!.!.
The reason is that this is the only iambic line in the stanza, so it would benefit from another syllable!. I would also find quatrain three a bit easier on the ear if it began: `I tell myself!.!.!.'
I would say that the sense of betrayal through procrastination is not obviously conveyed through a casual reading: it seems l!. 1-2 are sarcastic invocations, and it is only implied that these are hyperbolically equivalent to l!. 3, `pound my head upon concrete!.' But if this work is intended to be set to music, perhaps it will convey all that information, and I may as well criticise Wagner liberetti!.
I like Q3, and the transition from the ceremonial to the murderous artillery of Q4; but I do find the ending involving headstones a bit facile!. Perhaps this hews to the genre, however!. As I said, I feel this work is technically very close to what I guess to be its ideal!.Www@QuestionHome@Com