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Question: I've been messing around with this poem but not getting responses!. Help!?
Can you help me make it better!? Constructive criticism please!.!.!.
You form the phrases of love!.
Your words surge
With the undulating tides of your lips
And float to my ears
Where they rest for a fleeting moment
On the last breath of a dying day!.
Your words are mine alone,
Transcending time
Until they filter down into my soul,
Making me whole again!.
They fill me up,
Righting the void
Created by the distance
Between two hearts
And rise to claim their home
Amid the celestial perfection
Orbiting two hearts for eternity,
Emblazoning their grace
Upon heaven's gentle skyscape
To remind us of these moments
For all our lives!.
They confess their hope
To remain bound to our hearts forever
As their smoldering embers
Bond us together,
Two star-cross'd lovers desperately trying
To untangle the web of constellations
That imprisons our emotions!.
We'll escape
And search east of the sun
For the glimmer of hope
That arrives with each new day!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I find it a little repetitive and inconsistent at the same time!.
In my humble opinion I suggest changing this line:
"Righting the void" especially the word "Righting"
and also replacing one or two of these:
"Between two hearts"
"Orbiting two hearts for eternity,"
"To remain bound to our hearts forever"
the word "heart" starts to get a bit much!.
This is just me but I also have a problem with so many references to time!.
i!.e
fleeting moment
dying day!.
Transcending time
for eternity,
these moments
forever
smoldering embers (again a reference to something past or left over, ending)
each new day!.
The whole thing is too wordy for me and unclear!.
I think the whole second half of stanza 2 needs work!.
I was kind of expecting the distance between the two hearts (the void) to have been a silence or lack of the "the phrases of love!." which you had been waiting to hear!. But what created the distance and what the void is, is not apparent, at least not to me!.
!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This poem makes my mind think too much!. I find myself deciphering all your big words to find the meaning!. I, and this is just me, would use simpler words!. I'm new to poetry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
very very good
it flows and isnt repetative
the lines start differently its!.!.!. idk how to say it besides deep even tho that might sound weird
great job!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!! That's a great poem!.!.!.!.!.good job!Www@QuestionHome@Com