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Question: Will you help me make this better!?
I have taken this as far as I can without your help!. Please critique!.
Though solitary in the night,
I am so many less than one!.
I shudder in my nakedness
And wear a noose of self-design
Composed of spider silk neurons!.
My eyes are throbbing, vision strobes—
In mock seduction, red lips swell
And try to form a single word,
Cracked and bleeding, utter "Gaea"!.
Around this nucleus of sound
My soul circles in lone elipse,
And then sweet earth embraces me—
As helpless as a babe am I
'Til rising luminary verges,
When I at last achieve a sense
Of sweet verisimilitude!.
Sun in my eyes, soil in my hand,
I stand united in the light!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Excellent Amy!. The end shows us the light - the truth, the meaning of life, and gives us the final freedom!. Me likes! No changes are in order!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
So many less than one!.!.!.knit together by the promise of the earth, the finding of the soul!. I cannot give words to describe the way I am impacted!. From solitary to united the dangerous journey you have taken us on, and brought us through, the rending of the heart, the recreation and reincarnation of the soul, the beauty that encompasses the pain that metamorphasis!.
Thank you for all you give, for all you write!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's good except the last five lines take me away from the moment you created in the night I would leave it there before the sunrise!. Leave it a mystery!.!. not happy ever after!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it is excellent but if you are seriously looking for constructive criticism!.!. The whole piece flows so nicely but I get hung up early on on 4th and 5th lines!.? Work to make them flow a bit more!.!. and I think you will have perfection!.!.Good LuckWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like the journey it goes from night to light!. Well done, I got hung up on neurons and verisimilitude!. But its great otherwise!. Stay StrongWww@QuestionHome@Com
ok i like the journey from the night thru the light but instead of the dashes every few lines you should put coammas cuz the dashes take away from the workWww@QuestionHome@Com
Free me
Release me from
Sins of saints
When light of darkness
Shines for me
Pines for me
I will come
Ready to
GoWww@QuestionHome@Com
I like it like thatWww@QuestionHome@Com
HOT! no need 2 change!.!.!.!.no hang ups hereWww@QuestionHome@Com
And it begins!.!.!.
!.!.!.bare, open and unconcealed, shy, ashamed!.!.!. all the things one feels when laid open!.!.!. in the exposed place she (assuming it is a she but if it is not, I shall use this for the sake of my comment) feels so incomplete!.!.!. and in her feelings of incompleteness she desires an escape!.!.!. a noose of self design implies that this person feels as though all her problems (and/or depression) is her fault or of her making, making her more depressed!.!.!. but this noose resides in the mind!.!.!. a way of committing emotional suicide!.!.!.
Then, the tragedy!.!.!.
Though unclear we have a feeling of something foreboding happening, another entity, weather within herself or another, there is a being of some hostility!.!.!. a feeling that all her cries are going unheard!.!.!.
Death!.!.!.
of soul!.!.!. of body, it is not important what death it is, simply that it is death!.!.!.
Luminescence!.!.!.
I connect more to the night, conceptually speaking!.!.!. the Moon!.!. the Stars!.!. but the voice here seems to find her strength in the bright sun!.!.!. or I am misinterpreting!.!.!.
I do not know what I am trying to get at with this answer!.!.!. this is a first for me from you!.!.!. I have never seen you leave your normal style and I have to say!.!.!. I like it! You are such a talented writer that even when we have no idea what you are really saying, such emotion and feeling is manifest in your words regardless!.!.!. I am so glad I did not miss this one!.!.!. I felt bad that I didn't get to answer the others!.!.!. not for BA but because I enjoy reading your work and letting you know that I have been here!.!.!. thank you for giving to us from your well of light in words!.!.!. I will admit, I do not get this one!.!.!. but I felt it!.!.!.
Blessed Be in Late Night Poetry Reading, SirenWww@QuestionHome@Com