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Question: I started to write a new poem just now!. is the beginning good!?
Sail over the sea, O strong willed ship
Pierce through its raging face
The blow of the wind shall lend you wings
To let you travel forth, apace
Your wooden deck is tramp'd and drummed
By the captain's restless feet
His eyes are ravaged by despair
Sweeping out all their spirit
For they had been on the dammed sea
For two months, or maybe three
And the solemn grayish waters
Were all their eyes could see
The clouds were racing o'er their heads
And the sun was shining bright
Yet the sea lay still and quiet
Giving them a gloomy sight!.!.!.
(To be continued!.!.!.)
Thann youWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Stanza 1, last line doesn't flow very well; the juxtaposition of trochee and iamb makes it stumble midway through the line!.!.!.try, "To push us on apace"
Stanza 2, lines 2 and 4 don't rhyme!.!.!.try "His heart feels every beat"!.
Stanza 3, first line has too many beats!.!.!.try, "they'd" instead of "they had"; second line, drop the "or"!. Line 3 has too few beats!.!.!.try, "And all about the grayish waters"!.
Stanza 4 has good flow, but it seems opposed to the rest of the poem!.!.!.which made it seem like the ship was in high seas and winds!.!.!.additionally, you say the clouds were racing over head, but the sun was shining bright!.!.!.well, if the sun were shining bright, the seas would be blue, not grey!.!.!.they're only grey when it's cloudy or overcast (I work on ships!.!.!.and in fact, am on one right now)!. So!.!.!.is it cloudy or sunny!.!.!.pick one, then make sure it agrees with the rest of the poem!.
Overall there is promise, but you need to do some editing!.
!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com
Really good(=
the old feeling and wide use of words really tops it off!Www@QuestionHome@Com